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RE: War, Marriage, Death, and 1,000 regrets
Taking lives seems to be something very unnatural for man. At least in the context you describe. Seeing people die as a result of machine fire or other military equipment is, as I can imagine, deeply disturbing.
... Has this influenced your decision how you report to other men about soldier life? Would you say you shouldn't have done your military service? Have you been able to work on your experience therapeutically? Has this experience made you more conscious or stronger in life?
I hope for you that you one day will recover completely from this experience. Good, that you talk about it.
No part of war is "fun" to talk about, for me at least. "Unnatural" is definitely one way of putting it. Unfortunately it needs to be talked about, because a lot of people seem to think... well I don't know what they think, honestly but when we want change at home it becomes a national conversation, and there is just no conversation at all about what happens in war. I think there's a lot of perspective at the very least that people could stand to gain if they knew what happens in the countries we fight our wars in. Who knows, maybe our next big war will be on our own soil. If people know what war is really like, then maybe we'll be a bit more proactive with our votes and keeping politicians in check so that we try and prevent the next one.
Yeah, I go to therapy but it is not so much to help me get past one incident that I am hung up on as a combination of many incidents and their cumulative effect on how my brain now functions.
I like to think that any experience can make us stronger, but that is entirely on us to make that happen. We can't bury the memories, we can't run from them. We have the option to kill ourselves, which many do, or find a way to turn it into a strength, and have it become something that fuels us to keep on going. The hundreds of hours of work it took to build that installation was for me, the resolve that I was going to take this memory, and use it to strengthen my character and my resolve to take my life and make something purposeful of it.
I have great respect for your installation. It's not just a work of art. It matters. Your personal story makes you what you want to be. You've done more than many people dare to do. Everything we do or don't do has an effect on the systems around us. One should be aware in depth of the decisions one makes in life.
I had a conversation about it the other day and was shocked at the degree of insignificance that my conversation partner attested to. I take a completely different view. I heard first hand the stories of war, hunger and expulsion from my parents. It had a deep impact on me and today, after I reached my midlife, I know much more than I did when I was young.
Origami is very contemplative and one achieves a certain balance through continuous work with it. I wonder what you may have been thinking when you built this work.
The therapeutic help does not appear to be particularly effective at the first moment and also in the first years when one receives it. Some things don't set in until years later.
I understand you, even though I myself have never seen a person killed by violence. Death is a horror for us modern humans. It would be better if it wasn't. May you not only have nightmares, but dreams where you can fly freely like a bird. From my heart I wish that what you have experienced will take you further. And it seems you've matured. All the best for you.
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts on this issue! And thank you for your well wishes, also.