I am not very good at this divorce and dating stuff....
And I am not divorced or dating!
Our daughter and her husband separated recently heading for divorce. I knew it would be difficult but never expected a confused mess.
The apparent isn't the apparent, the expected turns into the unexpected and any true animosity's seem to surface.
The two were a couple for 17 years, married 14. Two children 14 and 11. They are in deep trouble trying to adjust!
Our daughter fell apart as she was completely unsuspectimg a separation was coming. He, however, advised he had been discontent and withdrawing for almost 4 years! Whereas he had pretty much adjusted emotionally to be away from the family, she had a bomb dropped on her. Not fair.
No details but the mental anguish intensified by silly games turns divorce ugly.
And here I sit. Listening, sharing, comforting and trying to help without being too pushy. All the mom stuff.
Was actually doing pretty good until all the sudden she wants to start dating. Really?! After just a short time? Well, everyone says she should. Everyone but me.
She has friends giving advice, co-workers chiming in, other single moms giving their two cents worth. Got a couple match making for her. The whole, standard group of her teenage gang has rallied around. Gee, thanks. It is great she has friends but they aren't attorneys or counselors. And it would be even better if some of them had matured....they are giving teenage advice!
Just this weekend it became obvious her husband had been seeing someone prior. No pictures for proof but a lot of details that add up.... Adds to the hurt and anger.
Still doesn't mean she needs a date. But she is seeing someone now for a whole two weeks. He wants her to introduce him as her boyfriend. Isn't that sweet.
Now I am getting giddy phone calls from an adult woman about her boyfriend. Long time since I have been a teenager, or dated ( lol), so I don't say much. Altough I somewhat understand socializing with friends I'm not understanding wanting a boyfriend. She asked, I lied. Sure I said.
Is it my place to say whoa? Slow down. The kids are in a state of confusion, torn loyalties and stuggling to find a new norm.
Now they both want to throw new players into the game.
This week the dad took our grandson to his new friends, daughter's talent show and out to dinner. Cash was overwhelmed. Just too weird.
Now he expects both his children to take a 3 day trip with her and the 4 year old. That means a 4 hour car trip, meals and hotel rooms. Like a friggin family! Is he joking?? Eve hasn't even met the woman. It is Eve's b-day and she will be spending it with a stranger. That is mean.
Not sure what each day will bring for them. I am saddened, scared, angry and worried for all of them. Trying really hard to provide the right support, words and advice at the right times.
No doubt they will all settle in somehow, someday. I would just like to snap my fingers, twitch my nose or blink my eyes to make the world right for them. But I do not want to interfere or direct traffic when I should keep my nose out of her business.
This will be a long journey as there is no way to see where this is headed.
Guess I will continue to listen, speak up when absolutely necessary, provide what financial support I can and try to be the positive thinkimg one in the group. Gee, not too difficult...I'm mom! I can do anything.
If you have mature, applicable advice I'm all ears.
If she asks for advice, I would say slow down and wait until her divorce is final to date. I'm sad for their children, because their dad has clearly not grown up! He should go on a vacation by himself with his new girlfriend and child. He should really do something separately with his own children. I don't really understand how or why parents bring their children into their dating situations like this. They are setting a horrible example of what dating means. Sounds like you will be the one to be the logical one for your grandchildren. Hopefully they can spend some time with you! Good Luck!
Nice to know someone sees this the same way I do. I could go on and on but I just keep wondering. I am pretty certain neither of these new relationships will be long term nor permanent. Goodness I almost hope not. Just hope kids don't get emotionally invested in someone who is going away.
Last thought......is it showing any respect to their 17 years to turn the corner so easily and move on. That is the last impression the children should have. I already see them getting shuffled a step back in priorities.
Their dad should have his head examined. Selfish.
Will keep an eye on them and I am not going anywhere.
Thanks again
That's good, because both of them may need a level head to talk to about this situation!
Speaking as someone that came from a broken family and personally gone through a divorce, the kids will be fine. I never had kids so they were not an issue in my divorce. In talking to my mother about my pending divorce I finally had to tell her I would hope she would want me to be happy when my troubles were over.
My suggestion would be to try to get your daughter to step back and examine her life and what would make her happy in the end. Therapy may help, it may not. Many companies now offer an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) that she would be eligible for free counseling under.
She shouldn't do it the way I did. I had two counselors, Jose Cuervo and Jack Daniels, and sometimes they would bring vodka, rum or beer over when we talked. Bad time for me. On the upside, Jose and Jack are no longer my friends. I now now what good tequila and bourbon (or whiskey) taste like and know how to sip instead of throwing it down my throat.
You are right in that this is not a time for the advice she is being given. It's a time for introspection and once she accepts her new future, taking the time to figure out what she wants that future to look like. Just watch for signs that Jose and Jack, or any of their friends, are hanging out too much because they give horrible advice. Try to get her to understand she is getting a fresh start and just like when she was a kid she can decide what she wants her life in the future to be like.
Very thoufhtful, Mike. Jack and Jose hung around before the real trouble began.....we are definitely watching out if they move in.
I really like the idea of starting out fresh.....I can work on that angle with her for sure.
Can't get a good feel on where the kids are right now. One won't stay home, the 14 year old obviously, and the other is a going with holding up in his room with video games and is quite angry.
One laugh....she is seeing a guy named Tom, which is better than hanging out with Jack. Her daughter snd her friend have nicked-named him 'thebomb.Tom.'
She has many life skills to work on. Never lived by herself, paid bills, managed repairs or anything. Its an eye opener!
I am very proud she shares with me and I don't want to screw up either. She is a tricky one when it comes to my advice. Often I am a listener only.
Thanks for helping to keep this in perspective.
Anytime, just hope it helps.
Just be all ears for now they will do as they feel anyway it is never a easy situation it will sought itself out :)
I agree, no matter what she advises, the daughter will still do what she wants, best to just be the support system as you have always been no matter what direction her new relationship will take.
I wish them both best of luck, and the kids a better understanding and acceptance and adjustment to the mess going on .
Sending love your way super mom/grandma.
You made me smile.....thank you, very sweet
That is a tough one....I am generally all mouth. LOL.
Between my kids I have bit off my tongue so had to start grinding my teeth to keep from saying things. Going to take duct tape soon. 🤣
Need to be tough but sometimes need to reside yourself....i will FedEx some duct tape over to you.
Some family members may appreciate it if you would.
It now comes in many colors. Green is my favorite color. Lol
Green it is....on it's way..lol :)
Thanks for sharing in teardrops
praying for better times come to his family
Teardrops SMT is now in telegram, you can join here
https://t.me/teardrops_smt
Very much appreciated.