TRYING TO "EARN" A CHIPOTLE BURRITO | The Roving Vlogger Day 75 (2017-12-13)

Today, I want to talk about something that happened off-camera.

My boyfriend asked me: "Why do you feel like have to 'earn' Chipotle?"

And I wanted to shout, not at him but at the world, "Because I don't deserve it. Because I don't deserve any of this!"

I've had a lot of good things in my life (being born into a loving, middle-class, American family was only the first and biggest of them), and I feel like I haven't earned any of them. The least I can do is make myself work hard enough for half a Chipotle burrito.

Listen, the last thing I want to do is complain about feeling guilty about positive circumstances outside of my control, but that's the backstory here. Guilt has been gratitude's useless shadow since I cried myself to sleep after getting two Easy Bake Ovens for Christmas when I was 5 (it's a long story). Over the years, I decided that I would get over it by using my privilege to the best advantage. I saw two ways to do this:

1. The Martyr Method
   Give yourself in service to repay your debt to society. Become a valuable world citizen by working as much as you can, volunteering your time, and donating your proceeds. Deny yourself worldly pleasures in the name of improving others' lives.

2. The Hedonist Method
   Express your gratitude to the universe by living life to the mother-flipping fullest. Do the things that make you feel good, regardless of whether they're the most useful or the most moral. Live the way less privileged people would dream of living if they were in your situation.

I've always gravitated more toward the martyr side because that was the example my parents set. These people are the unsung heroes, right? But I have seen firsthand how it can swallow up private lives and ruin relationships. And it did nothing to ease my guilt, since I always felt like I could be doing more, more, more, even when I was on the verge of mental breakdowns from exhaustion.

The past year, I've been trying to embrace my hedonistic side by traveling and spending more time with the people who matter most to me. I hope to discover what I want to do as opposed to what society wants me to do. I think there's a happy medium somewhere in there (for instance, I enjoy volunteer work and helping other people, but I also enjoy eating expensive local yogurt that's flavored like pumpkin pie). It's pretty sweet that I have the freedom to experiment like this and can even share my frivolous findings on the internet.

TLDR: the whole Chipotle thing is me trying to find the middle ground between martyring myself and enjoying myself. I'll work hard for something frivolous that I want and be the judge of whether I've earned it. Which, incidentally, is what most people seem to do... I've clearly been overthinking this!

Enough philosophizing for now, hope you have a marvelous day! If it's any consolation, I think you've earned it.
-Katie, @therovingreader

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