How to end a relationship

Best relationships: talk like best friends, play like children, argue like husband and wife, and protect each other like brother and sister. – The Internet

That is a bullshit quote I picked off the internet. There are much more (as you will see later) but this one was the sappiest of them all.
First of all, “argue like husband and wife?” I got lost there, like it is the 21st Century. Everyone knows that if you argue too much with your spouse, you are in the wrong relationship and you need to go for couple’s therapy or get a divorce. Yes! That is the 21st Century way.

Sometimes, two people have to fall apart to realise how much they need to fall back together. – Also the Internet

Nope! Everyone knows that once you leave a relationship, you realise how toxic your partner was for you and you thank black Jesus that you dodged a bullet. You then realise your self-worth and take a leap of faith to forgive your ex or you break eggs at midnight, while chanting their name and cursing them.

If the feeling is mutual, the effort will be equal. – the Internet

I don’t know who writes this sappy junk but I assure you, they are not humans. It is basic knowledge that sometimes; the other person doesn’t put in as much effort as you in trying to sustain the relationship. This is how to know when to cut your losses and X them (I mean break up with them, not pin them to a wall and have a massive X on their face while seeking ways to kill them).

That is why I have come to you with 8 ways you can end your relationship.

Send a Break-up text

What better way to show them that they dated a childish, communication inapt individual but by sending a break up text? The best way to go about this is to make it short and simple. Don’t try to explain yourself; you make them powerful by giving them a reason. Just text “it’s over” to them.
This simple message also gives you a way back in just in case you change your mind or they give bomb head. Like “babes, I didn’t mean our relationship God no! I love you. I would never hurt you like that (yes, you will if they fuck up).

Call them and end it!

Now this is next level and it is not for the faint hearted. There are several angles you can come from with this. But the most effective one is the religious angle; “babes, how long would we continue to fornicate and sin against God? Defiling the bed of our future spouses? It’s over. I can’t do this anymore.” (Yes! ‘Defile’ makes you sound like father Abraham and gives you a religious aura, USE IT!).

Wait for them to cheat

This is a loser move and I don’t recommend it for two reasons; 1) if your partner is faithful, you will be waiting forever and unless you are as patient as Job in the Bible you would snap under the pressure of waiting. 2) If your partner has a PhD in Cheating, you’ll be waiting a while.

Frame them for cheating

If waiting for them isn’t working out, then frame them for cheating. I’ve done this before and it works like a charm. Look for a friend they don’t know to get friendly with them, during that period, treat them like trash… stop caring, by doing this, you push them into the arms of the setup who will in turn confess “love” for them. At this point they are emotionally vulnerable *Evil Laugh* and will confess love back… Use text receipts to break up with them like “ *emotional gasp* how could you do this with my friend?! I trusted you! *gaze into sunset* it’s over!”

Stop every form of communication with them
Now, for this method to work, you have to be a dick of the highest order. Don’t send them an e-mail, don’t call them, avoid seeing them, and don’t make any move to reach out. If they send you messages, leave it on read (this literally kills people), if they call, let it ring and drop twice before you pick the third time. At some point they’ll grow tired and get the hint but there are rare cases (like if your partner is a psychopath) where they don’t mind and this goes on until they get your wedding invitation.

Use a MEDIATOR

If your partner is scary as f**k and you know that they’ll probably kill you if you try to break up with them then use a mediator aka middle person aka medium aka intercessor aka go-between aka person-who-gets-killed-instead-of-you.  Just get them to deliver the break up message in a soothing and diplomatic way. If the mediator is really good, you and your partner can still be doing “stuff” *wink wink* until you find their replacement. 

Find them someone else

This is similar to method number 4 except this time; you are giving said friend your reject (ex) for keeps. This makes you noble and honourable as you didn’t leave the relationship without providing a replacement. Well done. 

Get them to break up with you

If you don’t want to completely destroy their self-esteem, you can make them break up with you. It’s easy. Just become a slob. Don’t do anything and I mean anything, they’ll eventually get the hint (unless they are retarded.