Feeling the Pain One Last Time

It was around this time and date last year when the midwife and nurses are trying to induce me for labor, after membrane sweep and a lot of evening primrose oil to soften my cervix, I was advised to go
home eat dinner, take a bath and go back to wait for the progress of dilation, I was at 3 cm that time.

So we went home I had my last meal, I took a bath and we headed back at around 10:00 PM. I can already feel the pain in my abdomen and in my hips. Pelvic area is starting to get painful that its hard for me to walk and to sit.

As soon as we get there, they gave medicines to me, put the dextrose in and started inducing me with Pitocin, I was expecting to give birth at dawn, I progressed from 3cm to 4cm dilation, the pain is getting more and more intense, their every hour IE check is getting painful and painful. Until I saw blood when I peed. I thought its already a sign that Lucas is about to come. It’s 5:00 AM the sun is about to pop and the midwife said I am not progressing, the dilation stopped at 4-5cm, then suddenly all the pain that I’m feeling stopped and all of a sudden I can move normally, I can walk and I’m no longer feeling any pain. Lucas’ heartbeat was steong but they decided to put me on Caesarian Section due to cervical arrest. I waited until 3:00 PM the following day to get sliced and for them to pull out Lucas from my tummy.

I thought everything’s gonna turn out fine after that, but it’s the total opposite. I have already shared Lucas’ story on my precious #teardrops post.

As a grieving mom still I regret being induced, I don’t know if this is the reason why Lucas got stressed out, that it might be the root cause of everything. I also don’t know if it is because of gestational diabetes, or if it is because of poor management, or if it because of my husband and I’s poor decision making.

Pain is just so unacceptable, it just don’t disappear, nor do I believe that time heals everything, I am human who have a broken heart and I just cant bring it back to pieces.

As the time pass by that I am recalling the same dates and time of 2017, my tears ate overly flowing because I cannot believe that those things happened to Lucas, the memories are flashing back and I am still blaming myself for losing him. He could have been walking by now doing funny gestures, he could have been screaming now when he’s hungry, he could have been calling me mommy, if only he lived, if only I patiently waited, if only I chose the best doctor, If only I chose the best hospital, If only...

With a heavy heart, much as I don’t want to feel the pain, everything is just flashing back and I guess I just have to feel it because I cannot contain this forever, I don’t have anyone to talk to, but at this very moment I badly need a hug, I need comfort I need to cry it out. It hurts, it hurts so bad that until now its tearing me apart.

photo source:
https://goo.gl/images/VB1b76

https://goo.gl/images/15NZe3

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