The Children of Foster Parents - an untold story
The Foster Parent system is supposed to be a way to provide protection for children who are in danger. At least that is the intent that is 'sold' to the public. Stories abound with all the court cases, media reports, etc that describe a system that is dysfunctional, harmful, deadly, abusive with suicides and even abductions for profit in order to feed their adoption system.
One story I've never heard was what it is like for the children of Foster Parents. We often hear of the foster child and Mark Whittam is writing a brilliant series on his blog about his own experiences as a foster child. But I've never heard a story being told from the point of view of the biological children of Foster Parents. I've never written the story about what it was like for me, being a child of Foster Parents. Mark inspired me to write my side of the story as I lived in a foster home for just over 10 years, but I was not a foster child as it was my own parents that opened their home to the state.
My parents started being foster parents when I was 6 (1973), my brother was 5 and my sister was 4. Our first foster child was an indigenous boy about 14 - 15 years old. His name was Leonard and I remember playing with him and having all kinds of fun. He was like a big brother for me and I remember him taking me to school on the school bus and being with our family for a year or two. Then he left. I miss him dearly and as a grown man I now recognize the mourning that I failed to do as I started to withdraw inwards as a child. I was not mature enough at the time to recognize the pain and loss that I experienced. Dee then joined our family and she was indigenous as well. She was a teen and I absolutely adored her. She stayed with us for a while and then left. I realized early on in life that relationships are short and as a result I withdrew inward even more.
My dad, brother, sister and me. See the separation between me and them?
When we moved out onto the farm, my parents decided that they could help more by being a receiving home. Back then a receiving home was a place the police or social services could use in order to put a child until a more permanent placement could be found. They could show up at any time, even in the middle of the night. It was not uncommon for me to go to bed and wake up with somebody new in the house.
I would work hard to build a relationship with these kids, but it was tough as I knew that it could be a few hours, days or weeks and they would be gone again. As my own protective barriers started to build I found it more and more difficult to communicate how I was feeling and my journey inwards progressed even further. By the time I was 12, my parents were foster parents for 6 years and my withdraw inwards turned into depression. I would literally lay on the couch with pillows over my head to block out life. I was now completely unable to express my feelings as my pain hardened my heart and made it very difficult for me to build any kind of long term relationship.
Leonard (family name unknown) He is wearing a wig and drinking pop. (~1973)
As a teen I then witnessed some of my school friends staying with us. That was very uncomfortable and I had no idea how to process the shock or discomfort of knowing what was going on in their lives. But what scared me was when some of the meanest bullies in the school suddenly showed up in our home. Now I had to find a way to defend myself and I managed to avoid a few poundings because of my ability to run. I was one of the fastest runners in the school out of necessity. I lived in fear when ever the bullies were staying with us and I had no idea how to deal with it.
Fred (foster child) helping clean seed for spring planting. (~1982)
By the time I was 16 years old, my parents were awarded a 10 year plaque by social services for the dedication and service to the Province of Alberta. At that point my brother, sister and I went to our parents and pleaded to no longer be a foster family. They quit the next day, but the damage had already been done.
My depression continued through into adult hood and by the time I got to my early 30's I was addicted to pharmaceutical drugs, computers, alcohol, sex and what ever else I could find to distract myself from the pain that I was holding in. I was completely unable to forge a deep, meaningful relationship with anybody. After a few failed suicide attempts I decided that I had to change or I'm going to die. That is when I opened up and started exploring all the pain, sadness and other feelings that I bottled up inside of me since I was a young boy. I've shared that story many times, including here on my blog. In the end, I am now capable of holding deep, intimate relationships with people and I have my wife to thank for that.
I don't blame my parents for what happened. They did the best they could to help kids in trouble. But I don't think they recognized what impact that choice would have on their own kids or what they were getting involved in with the state. We saw over 300 kids go through our home in a period of 10 years, which is a staggering number. I have fond memories of many of them and often wonder where they are and what they are doing. I heard Di did very well and paid it forward within the community and raised her own family. So there are some success stories. I've also heard that some of them are dead as they did not make it through the system alive. My heart aches deeply that we all failed these kids.
I would estimate that 70 - 80% of the kids were indigenous and knowing what I know now brings great sadness to my heart. I now know how to express my feelings as I've found a way to open up, dump all that past on the table and process it with emotional and mental maturity. I can say that the process is very disruptive to the kids that are brought to the home AND the kids living in the home. Parents receive training, but the kids are ignored. The trauma being felt by all the kids is not addressed or considered through this political child abduction system.
The state is not the tool to deal with broken families. If anything, the state is responsible and the root cause for broken families. A detailed exploration of my blog will outline the basis for that statement. The solution is to remove the state and start rebuilding the multi-generational family and get the state out of our lives. But that also requires a lot of healing to take place to do that. I've done that healing and I've advocated for change for over 10 years.
@markwhittam, I applaud your courage to heal from your experience and share your story. As the kid that was already there when you showed up, I stand in solidarity with you and all those who are trying to expose the violence, trauma and flawed system that does harm to children throughout the years. This system is violent, abusive and destructive to the family and the children.
I support @familyprotection and all others who are exposing the state and all those who hide behind the masks as they exercise authority and power over others. Their participation makes them complicit to the violence. I stood up to the state and made changes, so it is possible despite the threats, violence and intimidation. To read more, here is my post from a few months ago.
https://steemit.com/ungrip/@wwf/confronting-alberta-child-protective-services
One man / woman can make a difference. Don't ever think we are powerless. We are indeed extremely powerful beings!
This post has been Resteemed and Upvoted by @familyprotection
are using "Child Protection Agencies"
to take children away from loving families
and place them in foster care or group homes
or put up for adoption.
THESE FAMILIES NEED PROTECTING.
Thank-you @wwf for supporting @familyprotection
Good job
This is such an important view point,
from the eyes of the birth children of foster parents,
that I had not really considered before.
I am so sorry that you and your siblings were also damaged from this horrible system, that seems incapable of truly helping any children.
Actually, I am grateful for the experience as it prepared me for this phase of my life. I KNOW that Creator put me through this experience as I needed to learn some significant and pointed lessons so that I had the skills to prepare me for my life purpose. So while it was difficult and full of pain, hurt and other dark chapters, I am grateful for the experience as I stand in the middle of my mission to bring peace to my life and lead by example for others. That is why I share so openly. Thank you @canadian-coconut for your support through the last few months. I really do appreciate the upvotes and comments that you have shared with my work. I look forward to breaking bread with you and your family one day. May Creator bless you with peace, freedom, prosperity, joy and love my dear spiritual sister!
You are welcome, and you have inspired me in several ways.
I too think that our families might actually meet and break bread one of these days.
I look forward to that day ...
Parents often do not know the impact of their decisions. The choices they make have a domino effect on their children and those around them. But they go into it blindly. A friend of mine also got into the foster"Business" and about 50 children went through her home. It is insane and the marks psychological and emotional can be permanent upon a child. I am glad you can open up today. It is hard to trust again or even know how to. Walls are build and numbness sets in. Thanks for not letting that become your shell. Today you can speak out for others and help in the efforts to put an end to this.
It nearly killed me but in 2001 I surrendered and made significant changes in my life. When I share the 'old' me, people are amazed at the changes I've been through. I was a violent, abusive, hurting, scared, naive young man. Now I have declared peace and I've been working for 17 years to teach people how to have healthy relationships with self, each other, the state, Creator and Mother Earth. I've dedicated my entire blog to that effort. Thank you for writing and sharing your views on this topic.
Thank you for sharing your side of the story, I must admit that I never once gave a thought for the biological children of all the foster families I was placed with.
I'm glad that your attempts to take an early exit failed, and that you are here today sharing the fact that you managed to be healed with Love.
Your post has touched me on so many levels.
Thank you @wwf
Mark, it was actually your sharing that prompted me to share this story. I too am glad that my attempts failed. My life has changed completely since those dark days. I am grateful for your sharing as well my dear brother. I'm glad that I was able to shine a light on an aspect of this topic that is not discussed much, if at all. The trauma runs deeper than most are willing to admit or even recognize. Peace to you Mark. Thank you! May this whole journey start the healing so that we can stop the violence and bring peace to the family and every single member of that family!
Yes we agree on a lot of matters such as this. The State is indeed the reason we have so many family issues throughout all western society... and who knows, perhaps there is an even more sinister agenda...
For a lot of people on Steemit have certainly expressed their concerns and outright disgust that the state uses its "authority" to literally steal children away.. never to be seen again, or if eventually reunited, like you mention the damage is already done, and the trauma never leaves that child. I believe some go even further and are directly linked with supplying the child sex trafficking global cabal and the likes of that satanic sh*t.
I agree, it NEEDS to end. I am ready.
Indeed, the trafficking of children, whether it is for the sex trade or to continue the cultural genocide protocols that started with residential schools making CPS the same as Residential School 2.0 - this all must stop NOW! The state refuses to change or address these issues because they are involved in them.
So it is up to us to walk away from the system and rebuild the family, clan, tribe and nations to protect everyone from the evil empire that has swept the face of the planet. But that requires a great deal of education, knowledge, resources and work. I speak to all of this throughout my blog. Thank you for taking the time to write and share your views about these topics. I really do appreciate that very much.
We hold dear the same values. Thus i am interested in your wisdom.
@wwf, this is just stunning. I think this is what I love most about steemit; just killing some time browsing and then suddenly I'm reading something like this. You're correct -- I have never heard this story, and I bet not many others have either. I am a communication teacher, and I will very likely end up relating this story to a class during some random discussion. Thanks for taking the time to share it.
I am honoured that you will be sharing this with your students. Thank you for helping to spread the word and bring awareness to the complexities of relationships and how the state is not equipped to be dealing with this at all. Peace to you and all your students.
Wow this is an intense story. Thank you for sharing so openly your emotions and experiences with the foster system. I heard a story with parallels but a totally different context from the now grown daughter of a farmer. He setup an organic farm in the 70s with friends and then began teaching young adults how to grow food and become farmers if they want to. He setup an apprentice program and new apprentices would come in every year, although some years the same group would stick around. His home was on the farm, as were all the apprentices.. everyone worked, lived and ate communally. The farmer's daughter grew up in this environment and made great friends with the apprentices.. they were her friends and role models. But every year she had to deal with separation issues as they would leave to continue on their lives. She was the one that always stayed and so over time it became difficult for her to develop deeper relationships because she protected herself from being hurt. As an adult with family of her own she shared this with me, she had come a long way to deal with those challenges and eventually after finding her own path came back to work with the farm and her father. I think having the stability in her family helped her a lot with those relationship issues. I didn't know her earlier to see the pain and challenges she went through but I know it was difficult and could see it in her eyes as she recalled. Anyway, I thought you'd like to hear that story :)
Thank you for sharing her story. That means a lot to me. While I recognize that I'm not the only one that went through these kinds of challenges, it is comforting to hear others with similar stories. I am grateful that she found a way to heal from the pain of her past and that she was able to find stability in her relationships. That is a challenge that I can relate to. Thank you. I am grateful that you found the post and took the time to share in such a deep, meaningful and healing way. <3 May Creator bless you with peace, freedom, prosperity, joy and love.
You're quite welcome! I am so impressed by how far you've come in your healing journey. Thanks for dedicating yourself to sharing it with us so openly for us to learn and relate.
You are very welcome. Thank you for having the courage to share as well and for taking the time to write too! I appreciate that very much.
Family is the basic institution of any society other than Religion, Politics, Economy and Education.
Indeed every child has his own psyche and approach towards life, so kids should be given training too with their parents or parents should be addressed this issue with deep understanding.
I think it was not the mistake of your Parents My lovely Friend @wwf but actually they were not aware of their kids' psyche at that time, but you have suffered a lot.
This is really an amazing story to change the oppressive and careless attitude of parents to their kids and this thing also help me to understand how should i behave with my students at school ( Although i am not married but this thing will help me to contribute at my end to behave in an appropriate way with the young kids specifically)
Family protection is the finest idea to bring about the change through nurturing of the next generation My Support goes to @familyprotection in this regard.
My Lovely Friend and Spiritual Brother @wwf you had suffered a lot in your life but i am that you are at that phase of life where you're inspiring many other fellows humans with your kind approach towards life by confronting the system with brave voice <3 <3
Massive Respect and love to you My Best Friend
Stay Blessed, Steem On!
Thank you for writing that my dear brother. Please know that I don't blame my parents. They did the best they could with what they knew at the time. They were young and just wanted to help kids out. Now that I am an adult, I've accepted full responsibility for what happened to me and I've done the healing as a result. But you're right in that we often do things without fully comprehending the full scope of what it means to our kids. I know that there are some things that I did years ago that my boys still struggle with. I pray that they find a way to heal and forgive as my own ignorance contributed to some of the problems. I've had to work at forgiving myself too!
What I have learned is that it is not possible for us to know how our actions or inaction has impacted other people unless they have the courage to speak up and tell us. Kids have a difficult time doing that. When I was young, I did not feel like I had the voice to speak up, so I rarely did. As parents, teachers, mentors or elders, it is our job to ensure the lines of communication is open so that we really do know how students or kids are feeling as a result of any encounter we may have.
Perhaps that would open up the topic of sexual abuse, molestation, etc as well as the #metoo movement tried to do a few months back.
My dear friend, may we work together to make the changes in our lives and to help others find the courage to speak up and say no to the violence we all have endured in our lives. It is not just the state sponsored violence but all violence is what I am confronting with my work. Peace to you my friend and thank you VERY much for sharing your thought and feelings about what you read here and more importantly, what it means to you and the changes you are making as a result. We do have influence and it shows with exchanges just like this one!
May Creator bless you as well my friend.
This is actually something in which we as Mentor and Teacher feel shy to discuss about Sex education, Molestation and many other sensitive topics with kids but these topics must be addressed to guide them. So that they don't get depressed as you mentioned in one of your previous blogs about Molestation.
At school and in family these topics should be discussed to educate the innocent creatures of the lord, Kids. I am really touched by reading your story my friend and after reading this comment in which you mentioned that your sons got a bit oppressiveness due to your foolishness... this type of attitude of your show that how humble and beautiful person by heart <3 <3
I often say this to compliment you that My Words are so low to write in your honor My Guide, My Mentor, My Friend, My Brother @wwf <3 <3
Thank you. I am honoured and humbled by your words. <3
This post deeply resonates with me, having been through the foster care system and also moving every few months to a year throughout my childhood. I never got the chance the form meaningful relationships because of that. I am still working on healing and have a ways to go. Thankyou for being an inspiration and sharing your story. <3
You are very welcome @wisewoof. I share so that others may find the courage to also open up and talk about their experiences. When we talk about it, we start the healing process, as long as it is done in a healthy way. This conversation has been fantastic and I welcome your sharing into the circle and I want to acknowledge you as you shared your own childhood trauma with the group. Thank you very much for doing that. I am grateful that you are finding inspiration with my sharing. May Creator help you heal so that you can then pay it forward and help others do the same. That is how we change the world and our lives. Bravo my friend.
It worked, I found the courage to post about my experiences as a youth. It was really hard and had me up all night thinking about things I'd rather not be but it's nice to let the truth of things hit the air. lI'm not sure what constitutes as a 'healthy way' of taking about it but I figure I may as well try in hopes that I too can encourage others to talk about their experiences. Thankyou <3
Everyone forgets about the children of the family. No one considers what happens to them as a result of having relationships form and then ripped away. Parents need to discuss with their children before even applying to be foster parents. Your own family becomes broken in the process of trying to mend other families that have been broken by the system. My heart goes out to all the children who are affected in some way by the actions of protective services. You have made an amazing journey to healing. I wish everyone could do the same.
Thank you. I don't think the biological kids would even have the mental or emotional maturity to help make a decision like this. In my view, let the kids grow up and then work towards building multi-generational families and build clans so that protective services is no longer justified or even needed. Thank you my friend. I've done a lot of healing and I pray that sharing my story helps other do the same.