People say they want peace, but what will it actually take to acquire it?  Are we prepared to pay the price for peace?  In the spring and summer of 2001 I started a journey of confronting the violence in my life so that I could find peace.  I've been on that journey ever since and it has changed my life in ways that I could not possibly imagine.  Here are some of the barriers I had to tear down along that journey and I'm sure there are more yet to come.  My this help others look at the 'man in the mirror' and be the change they want to see in the world.

Covert violence

Some people may call it being passive / aggressive, but let's not lie to ourselves.  The time for lies is long over.  Passive / aggressive behaviour is covert violence in an attempt to manipulate or control people in covert ways. I am very familiar with covert violence as I am a master!  For the first 33 years of my life I would never admit that I behaved so horribly.  I would blame others for all my problems and it was always their fault.  The hardest thing for me to do was realize that I was responsible and that I hurt a lot of people in my life as a result.  I had to work through a bunch of the pain that I experienced so that I can come to terms with it all.  As a result, I can now recognize covert violence in other people very easily.  

Still not sure what it is?  Here are some examples.  

• Pulling a pout - body language and refusal to participate is an attempt to instill guilt in another individual to manipulate the situation.
• Not doing things right away, instead waiting until I was good and ready - an attempt to control the situation by only doing things on my terms.  My way or the highway!  
• Yelling - an attempt to intimidate the other individual to back down through the threat of physical violence as yelling is a precursor!
• Controlling finances, schedules, time - an attempt to make another dependent in order to manipulate them to the will of the abuser
• Degrading or berating others - an attempt to build oneself up by making others feel inferior, inadequate or incapable of performing tasks.
• Getting angry or leaving the room - an attempt to shut down people when their own behaviour is being confronted or challenge.  A way to avoid hearing what others are saying about the violence being used.
• Engaging in pornography, gambling, alcohol, drugs (legal or not) and other addictions.  These are violent as we tent to take advantage of others or abuse our own bodies, mind and spirit in an attempt to forget or numb the feelings or pain that we so desperately want to avoid.  Violence against self is still violence and should not be dismissed!

The list is long, but I shared some of the ones that I did very well.  These are violent behaviours as they are used to force compliance through emotional and mental manipulation.  Most abusers engage in these types of behaviours, sometimes without even realizing it.  They also dismiss them because they are not physical.  But it is still violent and can have emotional and mental scars far deeper than any physical scar can ever go.  Sadly, the only way I know how to heal from this is when the individual surrenders to learning new skills that can teach them how to have healthy relationships, heal their own pain and hold the space of honour, trust and commitment to that change.  It took deep depression and suicide attempts to break my stubbornness and surrender to learning a new way.  I pray others don't have to go through that process.  

Economic Violence

Causation is a principle where we can connect our conduct with a specific result.  In my view, most people fail to recognize the causation between the products they consume and the pollution in the environment, people getting sick or even dying.  Or perhaps they do make that connection but then engage in the behaviour anyway because they are addicted to the status, privilege, greed or even emotional masking to cover up deeper issues. 

There is also a causation between the food we eat and the impacts of transporting that food all over the world.  The chemicals used to produce that food, the genetic modification of the organisms, clearing of land, artificial fertilizers, etc.  

I could go on and on with this list.  Suffice to say, by examining every single dollar we spend and following the trail on where that dollar goes, we can evaluate our own contribution to the violence that unfolds against other people, plants, animals, the water, air and whole environment.  How many of us have made those assessments?  Are we too afraid that it will put our own life style in danger if we stop spending money?  Will it cost people jobs?  Is it easier to ignore it because everyone else is doing it?  Just because the government says to spend money does not make it right to do so!

Socially acceptable violence

The last question leads into the idea that we have social constructs that make violence acceptable.  In many circles, discrimination is a perfectly acceptable behaviour in order to maintain the caste system within our social circles.  Whether that discrimination is based on the color of our skin, where our ancestors were born, how much money we make, our sexual preferences, the genitals we have on our vessel, where we work, our level of education, where we grew up, etc. we use these and other criteria to separate, divide and judge others.   Sometimes some religious book gives us permission to do this, other times it is because our mamma told us so.  Either way, we find support from others who think like us so that we can continue to engage in this level of violence and as such it becomes as normal as breathing air, eating or sleeping.  It becomes a part of our live completely outside of any conscious thought.  

To be confronted about these behaviours can spawn a covert violent response and it takes a lot of courage and skill to work through some of these issues.  How many of us are willing to look in the mirror and confront our bias towards other people?  

Legal Violence

This one is the most difficult to confront as it involves rebuking others who hold guns.  But it must be done as the legal system has said it is okay for them to build armies to go to war, form courts to pass judgements against other people, police to use guns to enforce those judgements, jails to enforce and confine.  This is supported by people voting and participating with that system.  

The most covert aspect of the legal system is that people use that very system as the foundation for the moral and ethical standards upon which they live their lives.  Most people would agree that the moral and ethical standards of the state continue to decline and deteriorate.

What I have found in my own life is that even on the best day, the moral and ethical standards I want to live my life by does not even come close to where the state is currently at!  People use the state to engage in legal violence with one another.  Suing people, laying charges, issuing fines, etc are all attempts to manipulate or control others to the will of the majority.  The simple act of voting has a significant causation as I have explained in previous posts.  

So, what are we to do?

I cannot speak for you or tell you what to do.  What we have done, is that we realized during our reconciliation process that the level of violence we were engaging in was way more than we ever imagined.  That realization made really think long and hard on how we live our lives and the relationships we engage in.  

The solution:  Change our ways.  

1. By loving my neighbour as myself, I must first find ways to love myself.  To do that, I confronted my covert violence and found ways to end the violence.  I am now very vigilant to ensure that I do not engage in violent acts, no matter how small.  When I make a mistake, I work to remedy the mistake, apologize, change my behaviour and move forward.
2. I had to find ways to forgive myself and others.  The forgiveness is not for the other guy but for me so that I don't carry around all the burdens, so that I can lighten my load and ensure my health and integrity is being maintained.  I will never forget and I will rebuke or confront those who engage in violence as a tough love effort to help them work through their own shit as well.
3. I recognized that our own life style was doing harm to others, so we sold it all, got out and live off the land.  We now accept 100% responsibility and accountability for our own lives, including shelter, food, water, waste treatment, clothing, etc.   Living off-grid and on the land allows us to significantly reduce the violence that we engage in on a daily basis!  We surrendered any level of privilege or caste benefits and returned to a way of life that is simple, has minimal impact on others and can be supported by our own efforts.  There are still some remnants of violence that we engage in, but we are working on eliminating those to the best of our abilities.  
4. We removed ourselves from the system as we could no longer justify engaging in legal violence against others.  That legal system has been engaged in genocide and other atrocities and that is not acceptable.  In that process we reaffirmed our new level of moral and ethical standards which really helps us to keep on track and evaluate our decisions to make sure we stay true to those standards.  We don't allow the legal system or other participants to erode or deteriorate those standards.  In fact, we work to improve upon and raise the bar whenever we are ready to take that next step.  It is a continual self-improvement process to ensure we don't lower ourselves to the violent behaviours of subjects.  

What is it going to take?

Courage, to confront our own behaviours, pain, fears, anxiety and violence.  Asking questions as to why we are engaging in these violent behaviours?  What are we trying to hide from, avoid or acquire?  Do we really love ourselves or are we just lying?  Does our life style define who we are or does the way we treat other people do that?  Are we here to acquire physical wealth or are we hear to explore our relationships with our self, others, nature and Creator?  Can we do that while engaged in violence or should we be finding a non-violent, peaceful approach?  

What this will take is being brutally honest with our self and asking some really tough questions.  No more blaming others, whether they hide behind the mask of the state, is an abusive spouse or some other individual who has wronged us.  What is required to find peace is to rise above all that is going on and find a way to be peaceful, forgiving, patient, kind, open, brave, courageous and prosperous individual.  

To accomplish this goal is a lot of hard work and requires a lot of change.  That is where most people quit.  We don't want to change.  Not that it is uncomfortable.  In fact most people live in situations that is VERY uncomfortable.  So this has nothing to do with comfort zone.  This has to do with familiarity zone.  Most people don't make those changes because it is so unfamiliar to them.  Our job is to explore as many experiences as possible so that we can expand our familiarity zone.  It is easier to expand our familiarity zone so that it is so large that nothing becomes unfamiliar.  That way, we don't have to jump out of the zone!  

That is why I share the way I do.  I want to share with people what we have done so that I can influence the change.  by sharing with one another, we expand our familiarity zone and help others contemplate making a change.  Together we can be the change we want to see in the world!  

Change then Peace!  Not the other way around!