#Ulog 68 September 9 2019 - Monday - Psychosis Begins

Today, I slept like 12 hours of something like that. When I sleep this much, it means that I am dreaming. This time, I am with family spending time together like any ordinary family would be doing. But my whole family hasn’t been together for a very long time. Everybody is scattered all over the place. I miss being with Tim and family especially. I dream a lot about being in Vancouver with them quite often. Somehow, I really love Vancouver. My mom was contemplating to immigrate here when my sister passed away as a toddler due to heart complications. Maybe that’s why I have a certain affiliation to this place. I also came to this part of the world when I was 13 years old with my brother. Then, we were welcomed with new jumpers, Nintendo SNES to play and every day was just plain fun. We played video games all day, watched cartoons too. This was the perfect place as a kid to be. The very first day we arrived we went trick or treating. That made me love this place so much that I have been yearning to live here for so long. That was in 1993. 6 years later, I got the chance to come to Canada to stay. Even though I was going to school in Hamilton, that did not make it any more less exciting.

That’s when I developed psychosis.

I think this will be about my psychosis story.

It all started with an innocent camp trip with Pek who invited me to Genting Highlands for a camp. I had no idea that this was a Christian camp. Evengalisation was the objective and we stayed in rooms that had a leader that carried a list to observe whether the people were saved or not. I accidentally stumbled upon the form.

They attacked all kinds of religions, especially Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism and Catholics were not spared.

Every night I would pray that the Lord will open their eyes that what they were doing is wrong. I stayed in my room calling in sick saying I was dizzy and prayed some more there.

“PLEASE GOD!!! STOP THEM FROM ATTACKING OTHER RELIGIONS!!!”

I went home totally with psychosis.

My mom and dad spoke bad things about me. My brother didn’t.

I went to school and was absolutely paranoid. People in school would attack me verbally. I won’t even know why they would do such a thing to a stranger like me.

Attacks were ongoing every single day since Form 4. I skipped school so that I won’t endure the insults and the voices. I was 16.

I would hold on to my heart at times because it was too pain to bear.

One night, I dreamt I was in a dark room with lots of cylinders. Then, my soul felt like it was being sucked out of me like I met a Dementor. This was the scariest part of my experience.

I survived. I lived.

It was time to go to Canada.

I bought French CDs to learn some French from the computer CD-ROM shop, tried to do a round island trip in Penang but got my bike stolen as soon as I thought about making the trip.

Then finally, I was flying there to Canada. Vancouver was our first destination.

On the plane, I kept talking to myself. Like I was so into the monologue which talked about my life there in Canada or something, I ‘forget’. One air stewardess said I was crazy. I said, “You can say that again.”

I heard a laugh from someone in front of me. Yes. Someone was listening.

I got to Canada and the voices started getting seriously serious.

All my family members would say really hurtful things and I grabbed on to my heart praying to God and asking God what is happening. I can’t understand what was happening then.

I started to get sick as I didn’t sleep and I started to heat up with fever. I remember that was when I met Gail. My cousin’s wife.

I also remember we were supposed to go to the arcade which I couldn’t because I was sick.

Soon, we would visit America that was across the border. Seattle to be exact.

The attacks continued.

Then it happened. I watched David Letterman and he was talking about a guy that was like a wrestler.

I looked at me and said wow…. I really do look like a wrestler.

Shaq likes me. Tom Hanks doesn’t. That really made me super depressed.

But when celebrity after celebrity started to show the likes and the hates… OH!! I was super high on whatever hallucination I was having. Super high one day and then a celebrity hates me and I’ll go the other way…

This made me crazier and my psychosis escalated.

Soon… I was talking to myself like talking to the people following me.

I’d tell them stuff, said all sort of things that I wanted them to hear.

But was there someone following me or not???

And what about the TV people? Were they real????

I had psychosis and to this date, I should know better.

I am on pills and I have a mental disorder.

That should explain the whole episode. This is what they call it. A psychosis epsiode.

I am going to tell the next part of my story when I go to Whistler, when I go to Hamilton for school and what comes next.

All I can say is that my psychosis is still very much real for me even after 19 years since this first episode. I am still on pills and I still hear stuff.

More coming next…

It will get crazier. Trust me.

Image Source:
https://healthtalk.unchealthcare.org/4-things-to-know-about-psychosis-in-teenagers/amp/

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