ULOG #11: THE WHISPERS OF AGONY
I just hit rock bottom
This is a familiar place I have been one too many times. It doesn't hurt the way I expected. I dare say it doesn't even hurt anymore. It just feels sad and familiar.
I do not have questions. I am done asking God why, or trying to make sense of it all. It's pointless--life. I do not have any tear to shed or is there any piece of me to break. I'm broken wholly; I'm shaken entirely, I do not even entertain surprises anymore. They are boring. I do not have a care in this world, doing otherwise would only leave me more vulnerable than I already am. I'm not suicidal. I once was but that would only be dancing to the pointless and deadbeat tune life plays every now and then. This pointless rigmarole to amuse itself, but I'm bored as hell. I've lost interest, I'm paying debts I do not owe, I'm being taunted for things I am unaware of, I'm being controlled by things that are out of control. I am...I really do not know what I am anymore.
I have hit rock bottom again. This time life came for my pride and shame. It wants me naked and exposed on a street flooded with strangers staring helpless at my suffering. It's not enough that those who love me or claim to mock me, it's not enough--everything I have had to go through to this point, it's not enough. "You must give up," it says with a smirk, gloating at my misery, "you must give up." But I will give life no such luxury. Matter of fact it is not left to me. I have burnt my bridges, I have carried dark memories, I have cried rivers, what point would I make if I stop now?
I just have to be there, for everyone who needs me. I have become a father--a responsibility I knew I will take on someday, but I never knew it would be this soon. I have to wear my confidence and dump my fears online, it has no real value in real life.
If there was a way to send a hug through a screen and have it jump out and hug you when you opened the laptop i would do that. So just pretend you are receiving a virtual hug from someone across the world, who has been moved to tears reading this.
I am hardly in a position to offer you any advice, i know full well how you are feeling and I am working out ways my self of how to not feel this way.
I am not trying to post promote here, have you read either of my empathy blogs? I don't know you well enough at all to suggest this or that, but I can absolutely resonate with your words and therefore i suspect you have something similar going on, which might be worth you looking into some more, it may not give you a solution but it may give you some answers. When you reflect on the way you help people, if it seems to be more than just your words that you use, if you feel drained, if you feel deeply in tune with their pain, if you feel the overwhelming desire to help them and make it better, if you even feel like this about the world around you, you feel like you carry the pain of the world sometimes and what you see around you, then i suggest you read them. It may be nothing new to you at all, i do not know, but it may help you to consider some of the things i have talked about, and get clued up on some aspects of energy work.
It's not a magic cure, but it's one small thing that may help.
xxxx
Thank you very much, I appreciate. Please share the link here. It might help someone else too