#ULOG No.13: A Sad Trip Down The Memory Lane

Ulog #13
Date: May 21, 2018 (Late Post)
Title: A Sad Trip Down The Memory Lane

I have a 7-year old laptop and recently it gave me alerts about having a full memory and it gets random crashes every now and then. This morning, I was sitting infront of it and I was just staring at it and it gave me the alert again. I would normaly ignore it or clear some files in the c drive and move on. It has 3 partitions and the others aren't full actually.

I was thinking this has been 7 years, and laptops usually has to go by 5 or 6. I asked myself if I can let go of it and get a new one. I really don't think I can. This thing was a witness of how I struggled in the last 7 years. Honestly, I do not know what are the things I have in here.

I have been struggling with memory problems due to the chronic illness I'm struck with and the heavy dose of drugs I take each day. My short term memory is fucked up, I might be telling you the same stuff everyday over and over if we converse on a daily basis.

I checked My Documents and it's so full of things that reminds me of a lot of things. But I found one fascinating audio clip of me singing a song that I am not even familiar with and its file name is, "girl." I thought to myself, is my memory this bad that I have no memory of what this song is for and why I was singing it? Or was I just totally random then and this was nothing but a spur of the moment. But it bothers me because I would not normally record myself singing a random song I just heard for the first time. I hear my usual voice trying an unfamiliar song. I'm struggling with the lyrics and tune. Hearing it makes me feel so weird in many levels.

Checking the date of the file, March 2015. 3 years has passed but this episode in my life has deep scars in me.I can only think this was a product of a breakdown. Just seeing the year feels like a fist hit me hard on my chest, it's heavy. I'm not even thinking of anything but tears begin to build and I can't breathe.

This was the worst time in my life. In fact this was the month I rage quitted life. I ended my corporate job to be a bum, alone in an apartment. I ate once a day in the late nights when my body ached of hunger. 3 hours of sleep to no sleep at all. I cried everyday. There was nothing in between, it was just crying and anhedonia.

Weird because the song appeals to me as a wedding song. What was I thinking? 2015 was rock bottom in my life. I went to hell, ten times or over on that year. I lost people that meant everything to me, to death. Why would I sing a wedding song on a phase of mourning?

I still want to check what else is here that may surprise me. But not today. I just can't feel worse than this. I honestly don't know how I feel seeing and hearing that one audio clip from an episode of a breakdown. I don't remember exactly why I've done it. I have a hint I was totally wasted and crying perhaps. But I really can't remember and this fact makes me feel awful about my situation now.

A part of me is positive about the fact that I do not remember details. I know this was the time of my worst breakdowns. It's not worth remembering at all, I guess. It's bad that I don't remember things but on the other hand I want to believe that it is hope that I am healing.

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