Ulog # 9: Goodbyes I Hope I Never Send
Hello, dear Steemians. This is a bit dark, so if you're currently walking on your own ray of sunshine or don't want to see black and white, I recommend that you skip reading. Also, this calls for a trigger warning.
A few odd nights ago, I read a listing of reasons to continue living this life, and for the first time in a long, long time, I cried my eyes out. I felt breathless seeing those reasons, because they were right, because those things really were worth it, because I wasn't really ready to be seeing things for the last time.
It made me realize something however, the breathless fear and relief made me realize I was somehow planning to leave. Leave this life, leave for good. Sometimes it hurts too much and I find so little reasons to go on that it makes no sense to still insist on life and living. That list helped, it reminded me of the tender aching and little happiness of the human experiences, the ones that can serve as a source of warmth on the cold days.
However, I strove to write a goodbye letter, so I could put the words in paper. And I'm putting it here, because if one day I must go, I suppose this is still an assurance that it was no one's fault, that this place helped.
If I Leave Tonight
Know that it was not your fault, that is the one thing you must always remember, okay?
The thing is, I want to say I tried, but what do we define as trying? Because it took so much just to feel that I’ve tried and by then I’m already too worn-out to actually do the thing. That does not excuse my failings, but I hope that in a way, it helps explain it.
All the number of tries I was willing to give myself was a chance to try again. There is bravery in that isn’t there? The number of tries you wanna give yourself? I like to believe so, that somehow it was bravery, and not foolishness akin to throwing eggs at stones. However, do you know that, that the more times you try, the more it chips away at your ability to believe in yourself? I feel that, I feel that so much that I have come to believe I have the cursed version of Midas’ touch, where instead of turning to gold the things turn to ashes and dust instead.
That at every place I left, I left a little less than how I was when I arrived. I arrived with the best of intentions, I intended to do right, I always intended to do right, I never knew how it could hurt this much, to have intended to do right and to fail so spectacularly. I was a promising child, I was always, always that. And like a promise I broke, I broke so brilliantly apart.
If I apologize enough times will it help fix it? Probably not, definitely not. Still, I will apologize. Because I feel sorry for all those who might have been a victim of my inadequacy and dysfunctionality, I will always feel sorry for that, well, that is until I can still feel.
Because if I kill myself tonight, I’ll stop being so sorry right? I’ll stop being a poor excuse of a human being. I’m tired of this, of calling myself stupid (and knowing it’s true) over and over again, that’s 23 years’ worth of self-loathing. It’s probably high time to let it end. I guess, the lesser time we got to spend together, the better the memory you will hold of me, I’m thankful for that at least.
I’ve written many, many words. That is one thing I could always do well, to write and write and write. The words come out so easily, if there was no self-loathing, I could almost say it is the thing that comes to me with most ease. And these, these are some of the last words I will ever write;
Thank you, you were one of those who made it better, or at least more interesting. For all the times I could have been more, softer, kinder, more loving, less harsh, but wasn’t, I sincerely apologize. I hope that you too, when you can be more of the good things, I hope you get to do it. I have always wanted to do right by people, to help them, to leave them better than how I found them. If I could not be that, if I wasn’t able to do that, again, I apologize. I hope all the people you meet will be better people than me. I sincerely hope they’re better than me. I wish you all the best in the pursuit of happiness, I hope you succeed, I hope you have a good life.
And now I have to go, it’s been nice knowing you.
In a sense, I am also sharing this to show that someone who loves sunset so much can also be someone who carries a certain brand of darkness, and may also be someone who gets tired of life and living. Though I still hope against hope, for the sake of all whom I love and the things that are worth it, I still hope to not leave the world because I was pushed to precipice of darkness. If one day I must take my leave, I hope to leave on my own terms. For now, I'm still here.
direct image source
This isn't particularly joyful or enjoyable, still, I am hoping it was profound or poignant or at least helped you see the perspective of someone who sees darkness.
I hope something saves you from your own darkness, I hope you get to see millions of beautiful and worthy things, and I hope, fellow Steemian, I sincerely hope you succeed in this life's pursuit of happiness.
Till next #ulog. smiles a bit sadly and walks out with head bowed
