"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and the future."
For many years, I was depressed, expected that I cannot live a normal life. I went to many doctors, crossed the seas, and ran a thousand miles away from home to search for a specialist, but there was no improvement. My tests were so normal, but I was not okay. My muscles shrink that feared me and complaint why life is unfair. If I walked down, I never knew what path to go through because I wasn't sure with my life. Life isn't easy for me as my age grows old. I thought I had the worse kind of life. To my desperateness, I almost committed suicide. When I gained huge money last year, I just wasted it by buying everything I like instead of spending on my goals. Now, I am moneyless. If only I was not negative for a few years, I can see the version of me I dreamed to be these days. But still I am not changing, there is no new chapter.
Because I was suicidal, my family helped me and encouraged to come to the high-tech hospital in Manila. Last August 5 this year, I went to Manila Doctors to finally undergo a test. Before that, I asked the Lord to give me hope and give me idea how to be treated. I prayed that the doctors can find out what really is my disease. I was not scared of the result because I was pissed off living in uncertainty and anxiety. In my experience, the staffs in such medical center are accommodating. They helped me with what I needed and liked to be my friend. However, it was hard to talk to them because I can't talk Tagalog that much.
When I underwent ANA test (AntiNuclear Antibodies), I was scared but it was only a few minutes. This test finds out if I have rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, and other types of autoimmune diseases. The rad tech said I can claim the result in the next day. I went to the hotel relaxed. I am not scared of tests because I had been with many tests but still normal. Remembering my first time to have a test, I was shaking and nervous to see the doctor and the result. My father was alive at that time, but still, the result was normal.
In the next day Friday on August 10, I finally underwent the EMG-NCV test. It monitors my muscles and nerves. The staffs told me to come back on August 13 at 4 pm to see the results. I was relaxed when I waited because I trust with God's plan. I said to the Lord that whatever it will be, I'll accept it because our darkest days are a gateway to meet our final turn.
During the weekend, our cousin who lives a long time in Manila slumbered one night with us and we paid 650 pesos as a charge. She went to Ermita for her job application to the Middle East as OFW (Overseas Filipino Worker). She said she was not comfortable sleeping in a dorm so we told her to just stay with us for one night. When we met her in the lobby, she was still young looking and blooming. We rode an elevator together hugging with each other and then we ordered foods to eat dinner together. She said it was her first time eating expensive foods and sleeping in a class hotel. Suddenly, she said she regrets marrying early and never looking for her future before. I was sad of her story when her father married to another woman in Manila and her mother has an affair to a young drug-addict man in the province, so she was discouraged with her life and decided to marry. Her story is sad, but I learned. If we really allow our emotions to rule us, we will never like the upcoming scenes in our life. She told me to take her story a reflection not to eat the trials that come because it will eat us too and we will never like the outcomes.
When Monday came, my sister and I triked to the hospital. The hotel we stayed in was only 7 minutes away which means we can just hike, but then there was a typhoon, so we paid 60 pesos going forth and another 60 pesos going back to the hotel. I was nervous when I opened the envelope, but it said everything is normal. The neurologist stated that there is no little abnormality with my muscles and nerves.
I was happy but again skeptical because I will still struggle anxiety for being clueless what really is my disease, but I remembered to always be positive in God's plan. My family was happy and encouraged me to believe I am normal. After the most awaited result of such tests, seems like I released suicidal and depression, but yet I had the plan to let my doctor in my province read the test and let them find out what is really the ailment. So, I immediately went to a neuro in Manuel Santos Hospital in Butuan, but then I arrived there without her. The door posted that her clinic was closed. Then I asked God if that was the sign that it's over to always rely on doctors.
In the next day, the Physical Therapist just came by. She was my neighbor's mother-in-law. When I heard that, I summoned my sister to call her to my room to find out if she can determine my problem. So I laid down to bed with turned-off airconditioner and removed my clothes. She pressed my back and said it was too cold as well as my limbs. She found out that my body is full of gas in my veins, the reason why I encounter joint pain. She said that I can't walk soon if it is untreated. In all the symptoms she said, I believed those were true because I really felt those. The doctor never ever predicted my symptoms.
For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds," says the Lord.
Now, I am recovering. I feel like my body is treated slowly. I am very thankful to the Lord for saving me. He is wonderful. He heard my prayers. Now I've seen my turn coming. Instead of regretting the negativities I had before, I was happy about it because I know it is a part of God's plan that I will like. Remember the story in Exodus when Moises fought Pharaoh (the king of Egypt), it was God's intention to keep Pharaoh's heart savage for Moises. He was ruthless to release the Israelites from slavery and the Bible says He intended to do it so that Pharaoh and Egyptians can see His real existence. God gave Egypt the warnings and sufferings so they will know who He is, that nothing is above all than Him. His first set of warnings, Pharaoh's magicians can imitate the magic that Moises had done and they concluded that their Gods are also powerful like our God, but in the second set of warnings, Pharaoh magicians cannot copy Moises and Aaron's shown powers. The magicians capitulated telling Pharaoh that Moises' God is incomparable, but Pharaoh was not convinced.
If we forgot God today, how prepared are you to solve your problems by yourself? Remember that most of our darkest days are a part of His plans to be able to know Him. We can never find a solution to our greatest problems alone but if we are with God, there will always be a solution. As you reminisce now and imagined mistakes you made in the past that made you what you are today, do not turn back, do not regret telling yourself that if only I did that and those, then you wouldn't be living a kind of life you have today. Never regret in God's plan. One of His plans is to wake us up from our mistakes and learn, become closer to Him than before, and to believe that nothing is above all but He is above all. I may felt that my life was no exciting, but now I see the sign of the peaceful and moving life. I will shine like the sun in the skies in the daylight and like the moon in the night.
Disclaimer: The content and illustration are original.
Camera used: CANON DSLR
Photographer: Clare Blackburn