ULOG DAY 40: "DON'T BELIEVE GOOGLE SOMETIMES WHEN YOU'RE ILL"

For many years, I thought I had severe illness. I uninstalled my Facebook and Instagram though because I was very insecure to my contempories, thinking they are healthier than me. My family was always with me throughout the years, telling me I am so worried with small things. Then they misunderstood my feelings because I am still young but I had that enigma which is not fair to me. I lived in hell for almost 4 years. I had too much confusion and uncertainty in life. Whenever I went to the doctors for check-up, everything is normal including the test results. I underwent EMG-NCV that monitors muscles and nerves if their movement is normal or not, then I was tested ANA test that finds out if I have lupus, ultrasound, X-ray, blood tests, thyroid tests, and urine tests. Then I fought this ailment to the gym with professional trainer but nothing happened. In fact, the feelings became worse. So I stopped the gym. I started enrolling in aerobic class since my doctor told me to do it, but the case just became worse. Then I went to many doctors from Butuan to Cagayan de Oro until Manila, but they never see abnormalities.

When I went to PGH (Philippine General Hospital), the physcian said that nothing wrong with my body and she can't allow me to undergo many tests because I am 100% healthy. But she knew I had joint pain and muscle atrophy in my right leg. I had no idea why she said that where she knew my agitation. After tests, everything was normal, but I blamed her if my mind was still anxious because she never let me to undergo muscle and nerve test as my physician in Cagayan de Oro suggested. She never allowed me to undergo ANA test too. Then I went back home with too much regret for spending money to nothing.

As months passed by, I never visited any doctors in Butuan and in Cagayan de Oro. But then I was always anxious and suicidal because I was not sure with my life whether I'll live lengthly or not. I used to have many hopes and dreams but shattered suddenly when I began feeling this illness. Sometimes I was positive but I was always defeated with negativities. It ruined my hopes and dreams.

My older sister doesn't wanna hear me depressed so her husband helped me to find an answer. Because my younger sister has paperworks to do in Manila, I went along with her and I was free with food expenses, hotel, fares, and plane ticket. I am very lucky to have these sisters and brother-in-laws I can always count on.

Before my tests, I was nervous of the result, but then I was brave. I said whatever the result would be, I'll accept it because I know God knows who I am better than me. He knows what will happen to me in the future and He knows why I experienced those things because His plans are bright if we trust.

Just like the story in the Bible where Joseph was thrown by his brothers, Joseph was sold to the Egyptians and was imprisoned for many years. But he came out from the jail and was proclaimed as the nations governor. For many years, his name was prominent as the nation's great foreteller. He predicted that the nation will suffer famine and starvation so he warned the nation to save foods and money. When these era came, his siblings came to buy foods for their father Jacob. Instead of planting hatred and punish his siblings, he was grateful to them because if they never did that, he will not be drifted to Egypt and will never be a governor.

After I read the story of Joseph (son of Jacob), I reflected that fact to myself. I realized that destiny is not really ours to make because no matter what we do, we can't escape the plans of the Lord. Let's not always worry the darkest days and the delays because it is God's plan. It is the way to experience the bright days.

When you are blameworthy to think of your past, don't go back to start all over again because it will never happen. Whatyiu can do is to accept these delayd and problems and rejoice because it's a sign that our turn is coming. It is maybe longer but as long you trust, good things are on their way. Just like me, I was depressed for a long time and suicidal, but now I've seen the coming of my turn. I am excited what kind of life has await me on the next road because I am sure I will like it. Like they say, there is always the sunshine after the rain.

Before my tests in Manila, I trusted everything to the Lord. I was pretty sure that there will be abnormalities with my nerves and muscles because of my feelings but I did not worry at all. When the result came after the tests, everything was normal. I can't believe it because my body tells me I am ill. I am very grateful to the Lord and happy.

When I went back home, I asked a sign to the Lord whether I'll keep talking to my doctors. One day, I came to the clinic around 4 pm. I forgot her schedule was 3pm until 4pm. When I arrived, the clinic was closed.

Last night, I called the therapist that luckily came here to the neighbor for vacation. Then she massaged my body and she found out that I have too much gas in my veins especially in my back, wrists, and legs and knee. She removed the air by pressing and took the leaves of tuba-tuba to sip the gas inside my body. She said that I should do it for two days and maintain massage therapy for a month then I'll be okay. She said that if there is to0 much gas behind my knee, I can't walk soon. When she said those, I feel like I will be healed immediately.

Aside from expecting mistaken expectations or negativities, one mistake I made is depending to google. Not all the information that google gives are true and not all the information are written in google. When you have an illness, don't search the symptoms in the search box because it'll make you depressed and you'll expect scaring things to happen. But in my case, the first opinion I gained was from the Internet which was bad, the second opinion was from my doctor that also feared me because she said that maybe I have polio, ALS, muscle dystrophy, and lupus. I was threatened. I was scared to undergo tests. When you are ill, don't believe what the doctors say unless there is a test result. I remember when it was two years ago and my parents brought me to Maternity Hospital. The phyician asked of my history and I said I took costecosteroid and NSAID. He said that I can't live until 30, but as I look at myself now and observe me, I am okay.

I am blessed because God restores my health, my hopes and desires. I've seen an exciting life. Maybe I expected negativities but lesson learned. This is the new beginning. Somehow, I am thankful for that wrong expectation because I realized it isn't easy to live suicidal and it isn't easy to live in a life with unanswered questions. It is like a torture that as we breathe, we are pierced sharp knife slowly 'till we die. But it depends how strong we are. I've seen myself as a strong person coz we can't know ourselves more if we have not experienced the greatest hardships in life.

Disclaimer: The content and illustration are original.

Camera used: iphone7+
Photographer: Clare Blackburn
Taken: 2018
Location: USA