ULOG DAY 16: "HIDING EMOTION"

lebron2016 (60)in #ulog • 6 years ago

Yesterday was a busy day. My mother felt being young as 18 because we surprised her with decors and foods. She was very happy to tell us it was her first time to be surprised in her whole life. Before she woke up, our friends from the church serenaded her room around 5 in the morning. She was very sleeping yet heard our voice singing a birthday Christian song. The house had no decoration yet but it was fine with my mother because she celebrated simple celebration without embellishments at home and surprises. Then we cooked traditional Filipino foods with main pasta ingredients and meat. We packed our prepared foods to bring packed lunch. My family went to the pool before me because I planned to surprise her when she arrives home.

When they left, I decored the living room with balloons and paper. It took 2 hours before I was done. Then I was really tired for doing that all by myself so I slept for a few minutes. Suddenly, I saw my Skype ringing. My lover had called telling he will come again this July. We had a bad time the last time he came here in May because I left him suddenly. I was in pain 'coz he didn't understand what I wanted and then he flew back to Australia in anger. But we were very okay when we talked yesterday. He will be here again next month after for 30 days and I'm very excited to be with him again. However, he promised me yesterday to call today, but I am in pain now 'coz he never did, so I just laid in bed half of the day never caring to shower, eat, pee, taking care of myself, and
I remember the times we were together when he was very sweet to me for always telling he loves and care of me. Even in midst of his busy days at work, he can manage to call. During the weekend, he handles to video call to tell me how beautiful, amazing, and how I am a big turn on to him. He planned about our future and promised to never looked for anyone else. He promised to cool me down whenever I get crazy. Every time I remember how sweet he was before, I am in pain. All I want is to cry in desperateness in front of God. All I want is to sleep while my mind is talking to God to give me a peace of mind and joy in the middle of the down feeling I feel inside. Down syndrome is my greatest enemy to win. I am always defeated. I hate to look for inspirational quotes because it can't cure me. What can cure me is to turn the blue becomes red.

If we talked before, he would say how jealous he is when I'm chatting with another guy, but my expectation is big. This expectation opens up the pain in me 'coz when I focus on it, I focus on what is nothing with me that other women have. I am unsure whether he was serious when he said he is jealous if I have another guy or he just plays games. I am not sure if he told me he was jealous cos he cared of me, or I am not really a woman for keeps.

I have a headache. I don't know how to handle the lower self-trust and how to move on from my lover's coldness. Lucky women are they who already experienced the sweetest guy and the guy that lasted by their sides for many years.

I am crying in pain secretly. I am hopeless. I am expecting his call. I am expecting his sweetness and care like before. I feel so low. I am pressured because people are also pressuring me. However, while I have this inward suffering, I still believe that above will heal me later. He may not a human but He is the most powerful one to heal us emotionally and physically.

Disclaimer: Content and illustraion is orginal.