Ulog #3: The Fear of Friendship

Today I'm mildly freaking out inside because tomorrow, I'll be meeting someone that could potentially become a good friend.

Is there a name for this? This "Fear of Friendship". Is it a legit phobia? Cuz I'm pretty sure I've got it.

All my life I've been "the weird kid". Too smart and proud for my own good. Although I have older siblings, they grew up with their biological father in another state and I never even knew them growing up. I was an only child. A spoiled child. A scared child.

Making friends was hard for me. My earliest memories of making friends in my neighborhoods consisted of me being frequently molested by the boys. And cruelly rejected by the girls.

Once I got into school I did make a few friends who stuck by me though thick and thin. I learned that having 1 or 2 close friends is about all I can mentally handle. I envy people who can maintain multiple friendships. It just seems too overwhelming to my mind.

When I was in 7th grade, we moved to a new apartment. It was a duplex, so half the house was rented by another family. They had a daughter my age. She ignored me for the first year we lived there. One day I had gone over out of sheer boredom and knocked on her door. She answered and I asked her if she wanted to hang out and listen to my CD player? (Oh yeah, I'm old btw.)

She looked me up and down and laughed in my face and closed the door.

The next summer, I had matured a little I guess you'd say. I got rid off my glasses finally and had contacts instead. This led to of course, a new found love of makeup. I had also just been gifted a new school wardrobe by my loving gramma, so I was no longer wearing hand me downs.

All of a sudden, this girl wants to be my friend.

And you guys, I know. I know, I should have laughed in her face. But. I was 13.

I wanted a friend.

We ended up becoming besties and she basically took over my entire life. If I wanted to spend an afternoon at the library (a place she would never go) with other friends, she'd pitch a fit and guilt trip me until I canceled plans to hang with her.

Everything was a contest with her. Especially when it came to boys. I started to get used to the fact that if a boy liked me, she was gonna swoop in and try and snag him. Most of the time, she succeeded.

It took me until I was 25 to break off that toxic friendship. And I have @chackett to thank for that. He told me that she kept hitting on him and it was making him super uncomfortable. He didn't want to even be near her. Which made it difficult for her to manipulate me as much. I finally texted her and told her I thought it best if we not continue our friendship. and that was it.

I was free.

And friendless.

I eventually would meet co workers that I clicked with, and we'd eat lunch together. Talk over a cigarette on break. That kind of thing. Little by little, I ventured out of my no friend comfort zone and ended up with a few close friends while we lived in Colorado. Those ladies taught me about good friendships and we all still talk today. Of course, long distance friendship isn't quite the same.

A few years ago, @chackett had made a friend at work. They liked going fishing and building stuff. His wife seemed like a really cool chick and her and I hit it off right away.

I enjoyed her company and she was fun to be around. But there were some red flags, definitely. She wanted me to keep alot of secrets. I don't keep shit from my husband. He's the only person in this world that I can say whatever my darkest thoughts are to, and he doesn't judge or try to fix it. He just listens. And she was laying some heavy shit on me. I needed to be able to talk it out with my hubby.

Then her best friend moved in with her and her family. We started spending less time together. Although, honestly, I wasn't that upset about it. For the above mentioned reason.

That friendship came to an end when Chris texted what he thought was a funny reply to her husband, but she read it and took offense. I was blocked from all her social media within a day. Not even a text from her about why she was upset. Maybe it's better that way. I really didn't want to continue that friendship anymore either. 😐

This person I'm meeting tomorrow seems super cool and mellow. We met on a cannabis moms group on Facebook. She lives close by and I invited her over to hang out. I'm nervous that she won't like me. I'm nervous that maybe I won't like her. I'm just nervous.

Give me strength to make a new good friendship. Let this be a friendship that benefits us both as women and mothers. Let this be the end of my Fear of Friendship.

Love and light.

Kelli