Living in London: Looking back at 2017, ups and downs

Sup guys,

maybe it's time to write one of those introspective posts.

2017 was filled with dreams, broken dreams, resilience, frustration, selfdoubt and selfrecognition. It's really hard for me to go back to this time of year last year, I spent it with my best friend and her boyfriend in Berlin. We spent it at a friends of theirs apartment, had dinner, drinks and I was hiding from the fireworks because Berlin gets WWII when its NYE.

I was working toward something, I think, at the time, I imagine it to be this exchange. I remember telling my friend I am going to London, almost confessionally, how I had been plotting moves to 'get out' for as long as I can remember being in Antwerp. But I felt always not taken seriously. People like to talk, you know.

I had been working a few nights too much at the Thai restaurant I was a waitress at, and I remember breaking down about it. I remember understanding I had to save money but I never knew how much was enough. I remember feeling really down about organising an exhibition at school. I just remember feeling really overwhelmed and down.

I also remember settling into one of my first public actions and feeling really good about it. I felt I had found gold but had no idea what it was worth. I felt being pushed around by my tutors about how I would present it in a gallery context and all actually cared about my own recognition of standing up for myself in art. Standing up for myself, in my own art.

In 2017 I felt a lot of jealousy. I wasn't being me. My art wasn't me. My life wasn't mine. I felt ridden by bad juju. I felt hopeless and unsupported. I was in a relationship but it had so much negative energy, none of us could move apart from disagreeing with eachother. I really tried not to drown. It was no ones fault really.

Toward the end of the summer, we had broken up, I spent more time hanging out with myself, spent more time exploring my friendships and invested in trying to settle in my future new home: London. A few weeks later, through unconditional love from friends in Antwerp (I see you!!) I felt myself slowly morphing into something new. There was room for a new me.

I got to London and I never asked for a 'clean slate'. I never asked for a new years resolution, a new way of doing things. I remember thinking it, but I had been let down by myself so many times in the last 3+ years I didn't even bother trusting myself trying to change for the better. Everything, for a long time, felt it had been turned against me.

London smiled at me. All the things I had been talking about, preaching about in Antwerp, which is race, seemed to have been on everyones radar. All the things I had been saying about how an art school should operate (I was even in the student councim in the first year) was already applied and mega casual at this school. All the things I wanted in a city, the grit, the diversity, the money, the creativity, the music was condensed in this place. All the vibes I wanted to feel, was oozed out of every single place and uttered by every single person here in London. London was smiling at me, wanted to slide into my DMs, wanted to understand who I was in order to embrace me. I have never felt so embraced by a city.

In return I gained some crazy confidence. I am still oozing off this confidence. I am feeling that my energy is attracting whatever I am putting in, I feel its already coming back to me by 20 fold. I feel there's one last stop, that's holding me back, from breaking through completely, from Samboleap to Supersayan Sam. I feel, in a sort of religious way, there's one last lesson I need to learn, the most difficult one, and it is happening right now.

The key is not to panic.

"You seem so calm, Sam."

I want to thank the universe for connecting me with beautiful, kind hearted people, throughout my life and here in London. Thank you, for having my back. Thank you.