Maybe I don't Know

Sometimes it pops into my head, unexpected like draft that swoops in and sends chills down my spine. I'm just a man after all, a frail man in this vessel I call my body, blessed to be alive yet cursed to bumble through these suicide slopes and thorny crevices in my way. Fear is my companion, I need the opposite.

I don't know much about stuff, I know where I'm going today but I can't say anything about tomorrow. I'm envious of people who have it all planned out; I hear them talk casually about fifteen years like it's just a breath away. Such blissful confidence, perhaps it is something more than just confidence, perhaps it's embracing the oblivion and swimming in incandscence. I'll never know, all I know is that I don't know.

Sometimes it pops into my head, like a bolt of lightning, it strikes my core and chills me to the bones, it takes me far and brings me back, reminds me of everything I'm not and writes my shortcomings in italics, It leaves me wondering why this body is so frail, it leaves me thinking of esaping this prison; my body.

I don't much about stuff. I know sometimes I'm sad and other times, not so. I know my days are measured by the measure of sadness I feel. I'm envious of people who laugh with both eyes closed, I want to be like you; I'm cursed with this sight, this acceptance that my entire being could be brought to it's nadir in the blink of an eye.

Sometimes it pops into my head and I want it to stop. It hits me like a truck moving at 200mph. I'm shredded to pieces, my body and gut are spread all over the place. I'm fighting back the tears.

I don't know but I think I know some stuff. I know how I feel, I recognize this pain, this anger, the impatience of losing and the pride of holding on to fickle matter. I guess I know, it's the tune in my heart that comes from my heartbeat, its the tune that plays and the song my soul sings; sing my soul, sing till your candle flickers out.