Breaking Patterns toward healing

For years, I’ve witness my parents bicker and nitpick at each other.
Just tonight, my dad didn’t feel like making food so he said he isn’t hungry.
So my mom makes a point to repeat a few times that we are gonna make food but “your dad isn’t hungry.”
When we made some tacos, we put one for my dad, and he was gonna eat it.
My mom then says, “ I thought you weren’t hungry.”
Everything is semi-sarcastic but with a tint of button pushing.
“Well, if you’re gonna force me to eat it then I will.”
Mom: “No one is forcing you.”
So my dad gave up and left.

The whole thing was unnecessary giving of shit to each other. And a display of their stubbornness.
Something that was normazlied throughout my life.
Over the years, I did see more loving behaviors develop, which made me so happy and relieved to see, since they stayed married despite major challenges.
But this seemingly manipulative and imature behavior is disappointing.

Especially now that I see their patterns carrying into my own relationships.

Not only did I give uneccesary shit and felt that nitpicking is a normal and acceptable part of a loving relationship, I discouraged when I should have been supportive.
I blamed when I should have taken responsibility.

All my life, I saw my dad blaming every one else for his struggles.
I was very aware of this.
He would give me advice but wouldn’t role model the behavior.
For some reason, when I adopted the patterns, I couldn’t see it.

So I pushed away the love of my life with my judgements and criticisms that stem from lack of self love and a fear of of intimacy.

Now, I’m propelled on a self-growth and discovery path.
It’s painful.
Facing how I’ve made him feel.
How he feels self-conscious and can’t fully be himself around me.
How he feels like he isn’t worthy of my love or good enough for me.
That he is my back-up.
That as soon as I “catch him”, the thrill is gone and I begin taking him for granted.
I’ve disrespected him.
Made him feel small.
Called out every single mistake
Got upset when he didn’t love me the way I thought I should be loved,
when he didn’t dress how I wanted him to.
Judged him when he expressed anything that I was too insecure about in myself to express.

He didn’t communicate clear emotional boundaries- so I crossed every single untold one.
I dominated the relationship and he submitted...because he loved/s me unconditionally.
Because he cares so deeply.
Supports me no matter what.
Would do anything for me.
Encourages me, praises me, makes me feel like a goddess.

I thought I had him forever...

It might sound like our relationship was all abusive...
It wasn’t.
At times, It was incredibally beautiful and inspiring.
We care deeply for the earth, and would do what we could to be of service.
We had amazing and deep conversations.
We had so many good times just being goofy and free.
We laughed.
danced.
Sang.
Our love was powerful, profound, strong.
But underneath,
I was scared to lose myself in it.
In the relationship.
I was scared to fully give my heart...
what if I lose HIM?
I was afraid to be vulnerable- to let him hold me when times were tough.
Instead, I avoided that by fighting.
I would attempt to see how much he cared by pushing him away and seeing how hard he would try to get me back.
Too many times we went back and forth.
I thought I could change. I told him I would.
I hated hurting him.
I knew it stemmed from insecurity and wounds.
But every time, the same patterns were repeated.

We had gotten closer then ever..
he wanted to marry me..Down the line of course.
I could see him as the father to my child.
We talked about our future home.

Then, I almost lost him on our recent trip- he had had enough.
But our love is irresistible..and I promised myself to treat him better.
But once I knew I had him fully in love with me,
the disinterest started to seep in.. again.

He flew home.
I realized how incredible he is when he left...as usual.
And the next day, he met someone at work.
They have so much in common.
fast forward two weeks...
they’re in love.
And he isn’t sure about us anymore.
He’s coming to realize how I made him feel so often and how that isn’t okay.

I always yelled at him to stand up for himself when I was giving him shit and putting him down...
I did not expect that this would be how he finally shows himself self-love.

The pain was excruciating.
I mourned.
Then we talked. I felt better.
He told me about their blossoming relationship.
I fell back into my hole.
Most recently, on my birthday and the night before, we talked for hours.
He had missed me so much after a weekend of not talking.
We talked so cute.
We were both bursting with excitement and joy..
It was amazing sharing myself with him.
having him as a friend.
Opening up.
Explaining how my traumas have instilled a fear of love and loss.
I know we can make it work.
I’m working on myself, going to therapy, healing.
I was hopeful.

But today,
after he meditated, he saw how all of my behaviors had affected his comfort level around me.
That he can’t just discount how this other woman makes him feel.
And that he isn’t ready to see or reunite with me.

This is the separation.
This is the pain that is pushing me toward a better relationship with myself.
to end the criticism and abuse.

If we come back together,
it will be EPIC.
Electric.
It will be fate.