How Social Media is the reason why I’m still single
All things written under here are supposed to be funny … in the author’s head. So even if you don’t feel like it, just go HA!HA!HA! Itnatohbantahaiyaar!
So I’m basically single by choice. Their choice; not mine! cries in all languages
On a very serious note, I basically blame the internet for everything. While I very vehemently give “10 reasons as to why my mobile phone and wifi are not the reasons behind why I score so less” speech to my parents, secretly, I blame the internet for ruining my life! Especially for being the reason why I have to ‘embrace my singleton status’ (forcibly or maybe not!).
Such a millennial problem, ain’t it? We’re all whiners, we know that. But hear me out, for once. Maybe this list of mine will make you think and ponder. Or maybe not. It’s not that deep.
LOW SELF ESTEEM BUT SKY-HIGH STANDARDS
I put zero efforts into giving fucks! That’s basically it. So, if my crush leaves me hanging with those blue ticks on Whatsapp, it’s Old crush out, New crush in time for me. The internet has taught me a thing or two about what boyfriends should do. Yes, I watched that video of the guy who got a Belle (FYI, she’s the one from Beauty and the Beast, not Snow White. Sigh!)dress designed for his lady love right before he proposed. Also, I’ve seen thousands of Tumblr posts of how I should let myself be treated. One wrong move and I’m done. Don’t judge me. Our generation lives by the rules of relationship carefully crafted out over a 1000 Tumblr conversations. Tumblr is our holy book for relationships!
MY INTERNET LOVER IS FAR MORE EXCITING THAN ANYONE REAL
So, basically, everyone has this one person on some social media handle who’s your #1 fan. The person will comment the best things under all your posts and always finds a way to slip in those extremely cute comments. And no! He’s not that basic creep who comments “Baabbbyyy!! Lookingggsooocuuutee!” under your pics. This one’s your long-distance internet friend, the DM darling, the one who’s hijacked your dreams lately. The problem? He’s in another city, state or sometimes, even time-zone. And you know very well, nothing’s ever gonna happen here. But you hold on to it anyways, because this story would totally be “book material”. Why are all the best ones so far away?
I STILL HAVE HIGH HOPES THAT MY CELEB CRUSH WILL REPLY TO ME
One fine day. He will, bruh! “Why don’t you tag him in your fan-art?” you ask? Because I can’t even draw a circle without assistance! But yes, we all have that one celebrity crush that we stalk day in and day out. And when we see, some lucky people getting noticed by them, our mind automatically plays scenarios of that star-meets-commoner-they-fall-in-love crap that’s basically ruined a million lives. I just hope Nick Bateman doesn’t see my comments though; they’re so inappropriate. winks
Okay. I straight up feed on memes. Need my dosage, every day. No jokes! So if I tell you “Goodnight” at 11p.m on Whatsapp, you can now be rest assured that I’ll be up until 3 a.m laughing over some shitty memes on Instagram. I jump from one meme page to another. Yesterday night, I laughed so hard over some dumb Evil Kermit meme, that I basically had to question what’s wrong with me and sit there reflecting on the meaning of my life for about half-an-hour. Yes, I’m a meme addict. No, I’m not ashamed of it. Also, it’s pronounced “meem” and if I hear one more person calling it “maymay”, “mimi” or some other shit, I’m swear I’m gonna lose it!
INTERNET COUPLES AND #RELATIONSHIPGOALS
Murad and Nataly Osmann with their splendid #followmeto series top my list of couples who basically ruined it for all of us! We were happy with mediocre love stories and then, “Bam!!”, they appeared out of nowhere, leading us to harbour delusional fantasies about love. Do you people have to be so adorable? Do you people have to be such #goals? On a serious note, people who post such cute pictures with their lovers are the reason why we’ll probably never be satisfied with anything. Seriously Zayn and Gigi, do you two have to dress up so well? And NPH and David Burtka, do you have to always look at each other that way? Dammit!
Ever seen those thoughts, with grey or plain background, that you connect with on a spiritual level? R M Drake, R H Sin – you writers need to stop posting such amazing stuff that leaves us with such unrealistic expectations for partners! I mean, come on! Also, Terribly Tiny Tales needs to stop posting those beautiful poems and wordrobes that make our heart ache! Because, let me admit it – it’s pretty damn embarrassing to sit for hours reading these, with our eyes all red from less sleep and too many tears.
THE FOURHORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE – Tumblr, Instagram, YouTube, Snapchat
Me: Wow! I’ve got the whole day off today. I should probably make it useful and do something productive.
Also me: cries over too many Harry Potter fanfics, likes pictures of cats playing and binge watches all AIB, TVF videos
Yeah, that pretty much sums it all up. Tumblr people, with all their “ships” of Drarry, Stucky, Castiel are nuts and yet, I sit here, guilty of reading too much of it all. I’d rather sit down watching a husky trying to say “I love you” than actually have conversations with people. And YouTube? Do you even have to ask? EIC, AIB, SnG, TVF, KHS – you’re the reason so many flunk. Also, people who use the dog filter on Snapchat, there’s a special place reserved for you in hell!
IISuperwomanII is single!
To all those of you who’ll probably hit me up with “Oh my gosh! Are you lonely?” and to my parents who’ll hit me with a stick just kidding, this is purely meant to be funny. If it ever turns out to be! The queen of the internet, Lily Singh herself is single! So why the hell can’t I, a mere mortal, be? That’s pretty much reason enough to be single. Without even having to utter the least awesome thing I’ve ever seen – those quotes that are saying “Single and awesome” in bold. Yuck!
So yeah, the internet has basically led me to have no life at all. For those of you who didn’t get the references –Congratulations! You do have a life, after all! And to those of you who did, let’s just be happy scrolling through our feeds. Also, let’s stop making random, stupid people famous (read Taher Shah, hero Alom and much more) and Presidents (oopsie!!!).