A Really Crappy Tamiang Tutorial

If you want to learn how to make a freaking awesome Tamiang, you're in the wrong place. I make really crappy Tamiangs, and I make even worse tutorials.

I know. What the fudge is a Tamiang, right?

It's something you make when you're visiting Indonesia and want to be laughed at by locals for your failed attempts at being as good at making art out of palm leaves as they are.

Believe it or not, I "learned" how to make a Tamiang from another bule (Indonesian word for foreigner. Pronounced boo-lay).

Which would probably explain where some of the epic failures comes in. You know what they say...

... if you want to do something really well, you should find someone who's good at doing that thing and then learn from them.

But I did the opposite of that.

I learned from the biggest newb I could find (keeps things interesting).

A Tamiang is supposed to protect you.

I'm not sure if I buy that, though...

...it sure didn't protect me from the insults that were hurled in my direction making fun of my mediocre palm leaf slicing skills.

Ya see, if you're good at making a Tamiang, it should look something like this:

You'll see these things all over Bali all the time. They use them for ceremonies which seem to happen nonstop.

So, here's how you make one of these palm leaf protectors:

Step 1: Get a box cutter and some long palm leaves

Step 2: Cut off the ugly parts while saying "boy you ugly!"

Step 3: Fold your leaf in half

Step 4: Take a piece of another tamian and basically trace it with your box cutter

Step 5: Try to see if the dog will just do it for you

Step 6: Keep trying, struggle a little

Step 7: Laugh it off

Step 8: You cut a little swoopy shape and another swoopy shape on each end of the leaf

Here's a video with slightly better instructions in case you're actually interested. But only slightly

Here's how mine ended up:

I stuck a Balinese jepun flower in it so that it'd trick people into thinking it looks nicer than it really was. You know how you do when you're ugly but you wear something nice so that people are tricked into thinking that you're prettier than you are?

Well, it works with Tamiang-making too (and trust me, you're gonna need a little embellishment to make it look better than it is after going through this crappy tutorial).

Congratulations on being slightly more Balinese than you were 10 minutes ago!