How to survive in Berlin with no money.

My last 3 days in Europe. I conveniently miss my nice 6 Euro bus to the airport in Bonn, and am given the choice of waiting 30 minutes for the next one, which gives me 10 minutes to clear customs (not likely given that I look permanently stoned) or or taking a taxi. I take the taxi. He quotes 40. We arrive at the airport. The ticker says 55. He showed me his pay check on the drive, he gets payed $2000 every month regardless of how many people he drives, so I trust he’s not ripping me off. I give the guy 55. I’ve got 10 Euro left. Here’s how to spend it.

Okay so you’re not going to be getting into clubs with no money, apologies, but you’re definitely going to be able to survive.
Firstly: Steal your food. Not exactly ethical, but hey you need to fucking eat right? So find yourself a nice large supermarket (ideally a chain, they won’t be missing the $20 in cashews and protein bars you take.) Head on in and grab yourself a tomato and a cucumber. Any other vegetables and this technique doesn’t seem to work unfortunately. You will need to buy these, so it really helps to have a dollar or so. You can always ask this from people on the street as a gift or offer to paypal them back later. Explain your situation, someone will understand. Now head straight to the fucking health food section and grab as many fucking high protein bars as you can fit in your alpha-male hands. Then head to the chocolate section, and on the way there get those bars in your undies. Obviously don’t do it in front of a worker, but you’d be motherfucking surprised how little notice people pay. So you’re at the chocolate section, and at this point you may or may not have any room left in your underpants, depending on the size of your cock and how many bars you have down there. If you are tightly packed then pockets are always an option also. Now please do not look the fuck around to see if anyone’s looking at you… just walk around as normal and scratch your balls occasionally, getting a bar down there as you do so.

So by this time the plastic wrapping is doing some serious damage to your scrotum. It’s time to bounce, soldier. Head your way to the cashier. Not the self-checkout. Ever petty thief goes the self checkout. They are watching you with the concentration and intensity of a middle aged white man watching teenage girls in Asia. They are ready for every fucking trick you are gonna pull. Scanning avocados as potatoes? Busted! Swapped the sticker from the white bread to the Focaccia? Busted. Walking around with a suspicious chocolate shaped bulge on your knee? (This is where they tend to settle if they fall out of your undies… Better than falling out your trouser leg (wear tight pants or tuck them into your socks) but still not ideal.) Then possibly busted. The cashier is perfect… They don’t see a thing perched up there. Hand her your tomato and cucumber. She’ll give you a big smile. Girls have strong motherly instincts and you are one boy who ate their veggies without complaining. Head your way out and enjoy your balanced meal of protein, fat, carbohydrates and nutrients. Give some to the homeless too… Helps to feel less of a cunt and the homeless guys appreciate it also. That’s the rule. Only eat half of what you steal. Done :) Back in your home country loaded with cash? Donate some to a charity to the equivalent of your plunder?

You can also dumpster dive. Really depends what city you are in. Some are amazing, some are useless. Look on facebook, there will be active diving groups if you’re lucky.

So you’re fed. Your muscles are no longer catabolic. Time to find somewhere to sleep. This one’s a bit harder.

Try online. Usually doesn’t work, and best to just resort to sleeping in the park. However online is still worth a go. Best bet is to join Couchsurfing. You really should have an account already, it looks sorta bad if you joined an hour ago, however this is how it worked for me. Write a motherfucking honest profile. Everyone writes the same shit: “Hey, Adam here, fun loving open minded guy who hasn’t said or done a fucking original thing is his whole life.”
Fuck that for a joke… tell them who you are.

Couchsurfing not working? Head to McDonalds, catch some z’s there.

Catch public transport. When caught without a ticket, you explain you don’t speak the language very well/at all. Often they let you go… if not, then just comply with the requests of the ticket inspectors and get off at the next station with them (saying it’s your stop.) Give them a fake name and stall for a while till you are off the train, at which point you make fucking tracks like there is no tomorrow. Roadrunner has nothing on a broke tourist, baby.

Extra ideas- Get some paper, make a sign and charge people a Euro for life advice.

Let's kick it baby.

Peace and love
Iloveseks.