The Mystery of the Bidet

Every apartment or house I’ve been to in Córdoba has a bidet.

As an American you might not even be familiar with what these things are. In fact they're one of the 11 things you see in Cordoba but not in the USA.

Essentially, it’s a toilet shaped sink located right next to the actual toilet that has the marvelous ability to squirt a jet of warm water upwards, cleansing anything that sits upon it’s magical throne.

With zero bidet experience in my life I was a little hesitant to jump on board. For the first 6 months of my bathroom experiences here in Argentina, my bidet remained idle. Then, realizing that real growth only happens outside of your comfort zone, I decided it was time to start living a bidet-filled life.

What is the etiquette with these things?

After a solid #2, I clean matters with the papel higiénico. This much I understand. This much I’m comfortable with. I’ve been very successful taking it to this step. Some might even say I've thrived taking to this step. But I've never gone further.

But one adventurous day I knew it was time to move forward.

With pants at my ankles, I did a squatted sideways crow hop move to position myself on the bidet. I turn the faucet to release the upwards flow of water. As a rookie bidet-er I had not positioned myself directly over the spigot and my left ass check received a blast of water.

By the time I reposition myself to hit the bullseye, the water had heated up to an uncomfortably hot level nearly subjecting my nether region to a crisp burn. It’s all fun and games until someone ends up with a scorched bullseye. I turn on the cold faucet to balance the temperature and enjoy a few moments of partial enema filled bliss.

I turn off both faucets and contemplate a few moments over what just happened. I don’t want to leave matters soaking wet so I repeat my pants down sideways shimmy to get back to the toilet where I use toilet paper again to dry the wetness. It’s this transition between the toilet and the bidet that I just don’t quite understand yet. I guess I’ll have to ask around to understand everyone’s bidet strategies.

Hopefully it’s not a question similar to – “How you much you make?” or “Who did you vote for?” in the US where people get a little tight lipped (or tight anus'd) with their responses. I can just imagine, oooh noooo the Yankee just asked about my personal bidet style.

Do you use the bidet? Please share.