Just When You Think it Can't Get Any Worse

I'm pretty down lately and feeling completely uninspired to even write about anything. Maybe I should still write about this so I could look back someday. I would like to stick to my goals this year but I didn't foresee the serious setbacks along the way. I should have sufficient imagination to know that things can get worse.

I was talking to my friend @aleluzdosol77 last night and he offered to come down here. He is understandably getting sick of the United States and maybe he could help share this newly-built 2-BR apartment that I found. It is cheap by world's standards but if you are from here and you don't have a job, then you know it is expensive. If I'm going to share with someone, at least I know him quite pretty well. I am just so used to being on my own now. Sharing would ease the burden of my rent while I'm working on my startup. I believe my friend is going to like this island too. But still, I'm not counting on it as he has a lot of places to go to in this world. The other place that I really like with a huge backyard and lots of trees for Feliz is not going to me. Someone else is going to rent the whole backyard for business - it's all about the money. It sucks, I wanted that place so bad. I was already dreaming of planting trees, ha! I still have to worry about transferring my internet connection with a 3-year agreement. But hey, this is an island, don't expect fiber to work anywhere. Even power is very bad around here - I can't have it all ei! And just when I thought that moment with a flying cockroach was my worst night of all!

Sometimes I just want to sleep for a long time, wake up and everything is fine. Sometimes I hope the universe will just surprise me. But that is pretty boring and that is just not my life. Maybe this is just the PMS talking or I'm just getting confused with things lately. And no, I'm not going to give up, that's not in my language. I only end something when I have to start another thing. Here I am suddenly, feeling empty - emotionally and spiritually. But hey, I still show up and do the work.

Just because I think of something bad does not mean I want to attract it. It makes sense to lower my expectations sometimes. I like to see things clearly and all the worst possible scenarios so I could plan all the way to the end. I'd rather hear the painful truth and keep myself within the reality of things. But I'm here to find solutions and not let everything pile up and become overwhelming. In my experience, being hunky-dory all the time can crush me totally. Who told you that things are always pleasant anyway? I've been there, still there...trust me it can get worse. And when things are finally getting better, it's not going to stay there forever.

It is easier to walk away just because things don't go your way. Many times people just give up because things get difficult. But why do you get used to easy things? Why not get used to difficult things as well? I know that when things are going smoothly and are too good to be true, I get anxious. I get paranoid that people are trying to make me happy. I am not used to it. I am old enough to know that I should not expect anything from anyone... I start questioning myself - what's the catch? I want to know now.

Sometimes I feel like life just keeps getting worse. And just when I think I'm starting to make some progress, I will have another setback. I'll fall down the stairs and just keep falling. I can pretty much handle doing everything on my own but facing all the pain can be a bit too much... and sometimes I want to share it too. But then my only consolation is that when I look back, I know things had gotten better. So worrying is pretty much useless. Maybe this is just that time of the year to strengthen my backbone and inner spirit even more.