Face Your Demons

This must stop. I woke up feeling worse, it must be the drugs I thought. I wanted to get out of that hellish hostel. Out of the country once and for all. Leave swiftly without a trace. But I had already agreed with my two friends back then, one from France and one from Germany, to go to the immigration office to inquire about the visa extension. Why did I have to be too nice for the last time? I keep on escaping from my existential dilemma. I knew I must go home. I need to finally have the courage to do what I had been planning to do all my life, but I was being swayed away from my purpose. I was distracted, worried and scared. Scared of the future. Scared that I might stay in this God-forsaken country only to be with those who could fill the void of my forever empty and lonely world. I decided this was the end, of drugs, booze, parties, and fake friendships. I would no longer let myself be stabbed and hurt just to make them feel better about themselves. I would no longer be influenced by their own life issues. My then-friend got out of the immigration office and emphasized his privileges out loud. My head was hurting and I was confused. My inner demons finally came to pick me up, they walked me away from them fast without looking back. Without caring about what they thought. Without regrets. I am done with these people... I finally flew back home.

Face your demons, that's what I say. What do these inner demons represent? Fear, anger, hatred, worries, negativity and all that repressed feelings that keep you from achieving your desires. It is necessary to break through them in order to experience the greatness you deserve.

My life on the road became worse eventually. Now it has been a year and I see all the healthy transformation. I had been alone on the road/life for too long so when I met people who gave me some slight care and attention, I put up with all their shit. I let myself be hurt again and again because misery loves company. I now transform my wounds into wisdom. Because I and I alone have the power to stop the clinging demon from demonizing me.

Perhaps transforming my wounds into wisdom is an act of love itself. This act of love can dissolve all the hardened lava of repression and prolonged agony. Recognizing my inner demons and bringing them into the present moment would be the only way to forgiveness.

Back in the day, I would put on my defensive cloak and deny the existence of my internal demons. I would defend myself no matter what because I like to be better than you. I am always right. I am selfish and your existence does not matter to me. I always get what I want. As I get older, these inner demons slowly come to life to make me aware. If I really want to change my life and live in harmony with other human beings, I have to first open myself up to reconciliation and negotiation with my inner demons.

The past is my worst demon, my forever struggling shadow. It haunts while I sleep. It comes during silence. It is there wherever I go and I want it to leave me alone so bad. I want it to stop telling me what to do before I further hurt and demonize everyone. I want to strip my soul naked until love is only what's left. I no longer want to live in the pain of the past. The wounds of the past that have a stranglehold on my being. But perhaps, there are no mistakes only lessons. Only I can decide if my worst demon is my worst enemy or my greatest ally.

To face your inner demons is to not repress them. It is not by making yourself look agreeable all the time so you could wait for the day that you finally explode. The demons grow bigger and powerful in magnitude. Don't wrestle with them. Don't bury them deeper, but instead, recognize their existence. Have a drink with them and listen to what they say. And finally, allow your light to shine on your own demons. Because in the end, light overpowers darkness. You won't see your angels until you have faced your own demons.