Being Rachel (The difficulty of being genderfluid)

I was born a boy, and I was interested in traditionally “boy” things, cars, rocks, bugs, cap guns, and playing in the mud. I was also interested in traditionally “girl” things, dolls, tea sets, makeup, and pretty dresses.

Growing up in a world where I have to be one gender or the other, to conform to one set of stereotypes or be classified under another is very difficult. Throughout my childhood, people would pull down my pants, push me to take off my clothing, spy on me in the bathroom, and make me try to “prove” that I was a boy. Needless to say, this was abuse and caused me deep pain and created a sense of shame about who I am.

Foremost, who I am is not a choice. How I choose to express myself is a choice, but just because I choose to sometimes be a “girl”, sometimes be a “boy”, sometimes neither, and sometimes both should not mean I deserve to be made to feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I love to wear pretty girly outfits, unfortunately because I’m biologically a man, people give me dirty looks and even my own wife thinks of it as something “sexual”. Like any girl, I don’t dress up for you. I dress up for me. I wear pretty things to feel pretty, not because I want any kind of attention from someone else.

Secondly, I am on the hetero side of the Kinsey scale. Being genderfluid does not mean being gay, bi or straight. Sexual preference is not associated with gender identity. Generally, I like women. Currently, I am married and happy with my relationship. I am still very flirtatious, and my flirting doesn’t necessarily mean I want something other than flirting in return.

Third, I don't think I should have to "pass" as anything. When I dress in girls clothes I'm feeling like a girl, when I dress "cis" I'm feeling like a boy. When I wear both (as often happens), I'm just comfortable being me. I never care about pronouns, unless I'm in a dress, even then the female ones are only a preference. Each person is different, these are only my experiences.

Halloween is a great opportunity for me to be who I am. I can be guy like or I can be girly and it’s seen as a “costume”. For the same reason I love to act and be part of fairs and festivals where my personality can shine through and it’s “part of the show”.

I would love to be more comfortable expressing who I am. I want to be able to wear what I want when I want without being judged for it or having to feel embarrassed. Although, most days, I am completely content being Beau, I want it to be okay when I feel like being Rachel.

Img Pixabay