How to live with the curse?

You probably thought there'd be something about mysticism here when you read that headline. However, nothing could be further from the truth, it's not about mysticism, it's about quite down-to-earth, ordinary, actually biological matters. The curse in question is, in my case, a term for a certain affliction which, first of all, came from the air (in the sense of out of nowhere), secondly, it will probably stay for the rest of your life, thirdly, you can't run away from it, and it's so fucking painful that you feel like ending up with yourself.

In beautiful pictures, beautiful people look great. It seems that the world is made up of perfect people, although when we walk on the street we see much more imperfections. I get the impression that there is enough talk about it, so there is no point in pulling this thread. However, there is something else, something more hidden under the surface. Well, it is also often the case that if we were to judge someone with our eyes, and most often we do so, we would say that e.g. this man is such a healthy, strong peasant and that we can envy him, because he has nothing to do with it at all, he is fine, he is in full health, so it is great in general. And even though everything seems to be in the best order in this way, there are unimaginable things happening under a certain invisible layer. Like a fruit with a beautiful skin on top and rotting flesh inside.

Sometimes I think that's how it is in my case. Although from the outside everything seems to be fine, from the inside there is a struggle that the body is fighting with itself. It's not the biggest world war yet, (world-wide in the scale of the organism's world), but the war continues and you always have to be vigilant. What I am talking about is called tinnitus auris in Latin, and I think that nobody has ever done such an introduction or such a description.

What is tinnitus auris? Translated into Polish, these are tinnitus. So the question is what tinnitus is. Well, tinnitus is an ailment consisting of a phantom, constantly heard sound, most often described as a purely tonal squeal, ringing or characteristic crickets' ticking. This is most often caused by damage to the ciliary cells in the cochlea, which is translated into range and auditory sensitivity, which the body fills with non-existent, although noticeable to the person suffering from this condition, sound.

Why do I call this a curse? My tinnitus was created suddenly. It was probably the result of a firecracker explosion, which started to squeak, which many of you have heard in a similar situation not once in your life, but which after some time passes, unfortunately not mine, mine has been with me forever since then. Although nearly 8 years have passed, it is still difficult for me to come to terms with it. The curse is unbreakable, only for me, there is no way anyone else can hear the sound I hear. I have lost something incredible, which for many people is not even of any value, it seems to be natural and actually given from the office - silence.

Silence is a lack of sound. For many people, silence means rest. Silence is like being able to catch air after you've run a marathon and lacked oxygen, but now you can stand up and finally start breathing deeply. Meanwhile, for me, silence not only does not exist, but is a curse. When there is no sound, then I still hear the sound. A signal that is born and continues, as if in the brain stem itself. The only thing that helps is to jam it with another sound, so I live in sound. A continuous sound. Resting after the noise is a different sound. Maybe a little more pleasant, trying to resemble the sounds of nature, the singing of birds, the sound of rain or waves going slightly on sandy land. Although it is digital, processed by the phone's speakers, it is the only relief. My curse resembles a run in which you start to feel great fatigue, so naturally you stop to be able to finally fill your whole lung space with air, but once you stop, it turns out that there is even less oxygen than when you ran, and you are tired, so you need it more. So, the only solution that comes to your mind is to run indefinitely and to give up your rest forcibly. Because you have to breathe. That is what the curse is. A curse that takes away your rest (in my case, silence), gives you oxygen in return (in my case, oxygen is soundproofing).