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I needed to write this morning. Sometimes I think of Steemit as my online diary/journal. I used to keep a journal when I was a teenager and young man. The act of physically transferring the thoughts from my head onto paper used to help me to arrange those thoughts, and a lot of the time, just remove them from turning over in my head. I found journalling to be quite useful for my personality type.

Sometimes when I travel for work, especially after a long break from travel, I really struggle with my mental health, energy levels etc. It's kind of a strange thing to do, I guess. Travel from one end of the country to the other, leaving your family & habits (be they healthy or unhealthy) behind and living in a hotel room. I have found it gives me the opportunity to break unhealthy cycles - like if i'm eating after dinner at home each night I can stop it, because I'm not leaving my hotel room after dinner to go get more food... Then again the minibar can be a source of chocolatey evil. Travel away from home is an opportunity to begin exercising again if I have slacked off, as I have more time. I'm not making the kids lunches in the mornings, or feeding or walking the dogs. It's also usually a time when I have to face the thoughts that are dominating my current state of mind as I have more idle time.

I keep waiting for a magic turnaround point with my mental health. Don't get me wrong, I am so much better than I was, and probably all improvements are incremental. But I have this perhaps unrealistic hope that one day I'll wake up and the melancholy, doubt, self-sabotage & worry will magically disappear from my life.

I've made some major breakthroughs, I've done some major healing. I gave up alcohol. You know I'm lucky I never had the desire to turn to harder drugs. I have an addictive personality, I use external factors to self soothe. I can see that now. Food is my current drug of choice, and next week - this Saturday; I start a challenge to face that addiction head on. I'm stoic and determined to throw everything I have at changing my eating habits for the better. I am obese at the moment on the BMI charts. And personally I know my health isn't ideal right now. I can feel the weight in my everyday tasks. I've let myself go big time this year.

It's funny that part of healing and self discovery this year has been to learn to not be so hard on myself, which included discipline that went out the window. Now I need to re-introduce good discipline... I need to find a way that I can look after my ageing body with healthy food, and not beat myself up about slip-ups. Perhaps it's more about good habits than extreme discipline.

My uncle passed way at 42. I turned 41 this year. I have an irrational fear that 42 may be the end of my life. I was 13 when he passed away, and his was the first funeral I attended. I sat with his wife, my Aunty at the burial as she squealed "don't let them take him away from me" as the casket descended to it's final resting place. My Uncle died from non-Hodgkins lymphoma, they think from exposure to toxic chemicals in his workplace. So the factors that lead to his death were ultimately beyond his control. Even if he ate well, and exercised and took care of himself outside of his work, he was probably still doomed.

I guess you can take that 2 ways - 1. - it doesn't matter what we do in life, we're all gonna die. When your time's up, it's up, may as well have some fun.... 2. even though we're all going to die, our quality of life and potential longevity can be improved by taking care of ourselves. I'm not sure which camp i'm on on those two options.

I don't have a conclusion or a good way to sum up my thoughts today. Perhaps Dory sums it up best in Finding Nemo "just keep swimming, just keep swimming". Perhaps it all makes sense and comes together one day.

This is me setting up at parkrun 6AM last Saturday morning.