So... Im back?

I didn't think i'd come back to this site but I guess I just need a way of expressing everything that's going on, I guess I could use this site as something like a diary? I really want to express many thoughts I've had for a while and I guess this is the only place where I can write away without anyone I know knowing about this façade I've had for a while.

So far life's been good, Im about to go back to school and get to live the average student life all over again, signed myself into a gym so I could feel better about my physical appearance and music's kept anxious and nervous thoughts away, but this exact day I've been having some real serious thoughts, nothing too worrying such as depression but I'd still say it's important.

I've never been popular at school, and honestly I couldn't care less, I enjoy the silence every once in a while and my small group of friends is already plenty of company to me, but my reputation is what I'd say bothers me. Thanks to music and continuous self-improvement, I've been the joking kind of person for a while, making fun of everything but still keeping respect towards everyone, and by that I mean EVERYONE. I can't say I hate a single person right now, not even the ones that may or may not make fun of me behind my back, I want to believe everyone has a positive side.

Over the years, I've posted various types of content to Facebook, Twitter and other Social Media, such as dogs, memes or just art I consider deep or pretty, but I've received messages and claims telling me to "stop sharing stupid nonsense" (it's called "mamadas" in Spanish but this is the closest translation of the term I could think of), I had never taken it personally and even laughed it off most of the time, but today it struck me hard.

As I may or may not have said, I didn't talk to anyone on 7th Grade, I'd always sit by myself to read, everyone thought I was weird and some guys in the bus even talked shit about me, it wasn't the best of experiences but it taught me I have to be open with people because keeping my feelings to myself will just worsen my situation. I've been remembering these experiences today and it makes me feel like people don't like me for who I am.

Im pretty confident about myself, I do some jokes on me every once in a while but I don't really take stuff personally or overreact over a mean-sounding comment, I even signed myself up for the School's Volleyball Team this year, knowing I don't have any good reflexes and Im generally slow. I appreciate myself for who I am.

What I've noticed is that people don't take me seriously, anything I say always seems like a joke or a lie and I just don't like that, it feels like people don't trust me or don't like to talk any serious topics with me and I really dislike that, I've always liked to be the friend you can count in, the one you can tell your private issues to and that will help you get over them but it makes me feel like I don't have a purpose in anyone's life but my own.

Im not having suicidal thoughts, thankfully, but I feel empty and Im not sure of what to do about it, I have various hobbies, I go out pretty frequently, I socialize a proper amount, so I can't find any escapes other than music, which is just a momentary "patch" of the whole situation, as Im scared, my biggest fear for a few years has been being no one, just another pawn in the big chess of life.

I want to believe I'll feel better, but I wish I could go back in time and think thoroughly: Do I want to be taken seriously? Don't I want to have lots of friends I can rely on and that can rely on me? Im not even sure if those are the questions I should be asking, this is just plain out confusing really.

Im not looking for the approval of others, Im looking for their support and trust. I have someone close to me but Im afraid of pushing them away by overwhelming them with this weird nonsense.

I want to be someone in life. Someone successful who is proud of themselves. Every time I think of the odds of achieving that which I dream of the most, I try to keep me down to earth by imagining the worst case scenario, accept reality and not look for chances where the aren't any.

I didn't mean to take this blog or your time as some psychologist session, but I wanted to take this out of my chest. I'll start posting more content so keep an eye out!

Thanks for reading.