Imagine that moment, where a touch, a caress or even a subtle look suddenly causes an visceral physical stimulation and intensity. Or, alternatively, when you have vicious angry sex with an ending that shakes you to your core.

Which is what begs the question - which is better, raw sex, or intense eroticism?

All pictures are my own original photos of current or previous events.

Dear Diary - What is it that determines the chemistry of a relationship?

Wednesday is for sitting at my favorite coffee shop and drinking coffee. Usually, I begin with my English student, then whichever of my friends are able, stop by and we chat over freshly brewed thunder beans. It is one of my favorite days of the week because I get to dream, imagine and discuss ideas with people who are close to me.

In a rather lengthy discussion today, with a couple women who I dance and drink coffee with, contemplated what it is exactly, that we want from our male partners (or imaginary partners). Obviously, this was a very heterosexual conversation - but I am sure the basic principles are the same.

My preference, at the age of 34, is someone who has the experience and confidence to be seductive, have some special little techniques "that work," and hopefully teach me something new or push my own boundaries. Their preferences, at the ages of 50+, is someone who is not rigid, or stuck on routine, but open and willing to explore, but on a very limited basis because frequency isn't really on the radar, they prefer to consider the act over doing it (at least not very often).

To bring in one more element - why do we, as women, choose "bad boys" over solid, staid and true-to-their-partner male prototypes?

And, honestly, I think it all comes down to sex versus eroticism.

Let me tell you a true story that I am ashamed to admit to...

I was riding a bus once from Manizales to Pereira. It was cold so I had a sweater over me covering my lap, but not on because it wasn't quite "that" cold. Casually, I brushed my female nether region only to readjust myself slightly and go back to whatever I was thinking about. That one simple touch, which almost wasn't a touch at all - suddenly brought a past sexual experience to mind so viscerally I could almost feel that persons presence within me.

And, that - I think, is the key to everything. There is something so intimate and erotic in the idea of sex, even if there is no completion, than the act itself. Why do some men, or women, suddenly drop off the radar immediately after receiving sex (or being rejected), while others stay for months with someone who won't even put out, or who does even?

Maybe, it's because certain humans are wired for tension, eroticism and the imagination, that can be created; versus the actual hands on experience of intercourse.

Isn't that what the principles of Kama Sutra, and even the Japanese Shibari, are based on?

Which comes back around to bad boys. I fully embrace, and admit, that bad boys excite me - even if from a distance. When we are young and dumb, we go with the bad boys for the adrenaline and power we feel when we are with these bad boys, even if he hurts us over and over again until we finally break-up. Latin Novellas seem to glorify the concept, then blow it way out of proportion with seemingly endless drama.

With time and maturity, some women find outlets that give them the adrenaline, without the actual danger. Which is what makes romance novels such a double edged sword. Good sex isn't about the completion at all, it's about the stimulation and build-up of tension. The idea of eroticism absolutely fascinates me, but the actual "doing" of it puzzles me. I don't like books that are constant sex scenes, or even a lot of sex - unless there is a really good mental element of fear, desperation or danger.

The key to everything is going to the edge, but not going over. One slight touch, with a vivid mental idea, can create more sexual tension, desire, and interest even - than sex presented up on a platter complete with a happy marriage and ring included. Because the human psyche is like that.

One of the reasons, I absolutely love dancing, but particularly Tango, is the sensuality of it. Bachata includes a lot of physical sexual intensity, but has no real depth. Tango, isn't really about rubbing one body against another, but more about deep intimacy and closeness of the embrace during the 10-15 minute tanda (3-4 songs of the same type), and being able to communicate all your needs and desires to that one person in a short time.

Which brings me back around to good guys vs. bad guys. Women want to feel challenged and stimulated by their partner, while men want to see and feel until completion. This is why most lonely women at home read romance novels, while lonely men watch pornography or pay for prostitutes. Yet, when one complements the other enough - it results in a fun and exciting relationship that can even create a sense of fulfillment in each one.

If you are a "good guy" reading this, it's not that you aren't attractive, it's that you are too safe, stodgy or even routine in your habits. But, a man who can create the setting and manage BOTH the intellectual and physical danger element - without being a brute, or abusive, will quite possibly win. Women don't actually want men to tie them up and beat on them. They want to feel danger and stimulation - but it's all mental, not actually physical. We crave the mental build up, while men tend to ponder the physical mechanics and release.

What do you think? Feel free to comment below and join the conversation with your thoughts, ideas and musings.

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