Happy Thanksgiving Day! You damn hooligans!

deadspace (69)in #thanksgiving • 5 years ago

Just wanted to make a quick post saying Happy Turkey Day to those of you who reside in the US and celebrate it. Mine has been....."Special" to say the least, thanks to very awkward circumstances and all of the drinking that was going on. Hopefully all of yours has been better. If for whatever reason your day has sucked and you need a laugh, then don't you worry. I came here prepared! Well, not really. But, I did come here with a short story from a few thanksgiving days back that will probably either make you laugh or just shake your head in pity at me. Maybe a bit of both. So, what's this story you ask? Well shut up, little Timmy. I'm getting around to it, you gaping ass.

This story goes back to 3 years ago on thanksgiving. I went to a family members house for the holiday to of course eat some food and turn into a god damn blob for the next several hours. However, that's not what the turkey lords had in mind for me that day. ~~Please forgive me Ultra Mega Turkey...Turkey Arise!~~ After arriving with my then girlfriend (Now fiancee) and talking for a little while to family ~~about normal things like BDSM furry porn, who all has smoked meth and who was going black friday shopping to watch people get trampled,~~ we finally got to the time when the food was ready for devouring so we of course make our plates to eat.

This is where my mistake begins. You see, I started loading up my plate while I had an uncomfortable feeling in my chest. At the time, I wasn't sure what it was as I couldn't quite exactly tell where the pain I was feeling was coming from. ~~Soon I would realize the truth. The truth being I had been possessed by a Trenton Tar Pit monster and he was harassing my soul for $3.50~~ I just shrugged it off and figured it was random bodily pains, and let my hunger for sweet, succulent turkey flesh consume me. Much like how I was going to consume the shit out of that food.

After eating for a few minutes, the pain started to become more pronounced and I started feeling like something was stuck in my throat. I realized this was an air bubble trapped in my esophagus, so I didn't freak out or anything since I wasn't quite choking or anything, but felt really uncomfortable and stopped eating. I reached for my drink only to realize that I was a god damn jive turkey and didn't remember to get it. I must have looked pretty uncomfortable and found it hard to talk, so when my girlfriend asked me something and noticed I didn't respond and was looking weird pointing to my throat, she of course did what she thought was right.

And, that was to freak the fuck out like a maniac shouting 'OH MY GOD, DEADSPACE IS CHOKINGGG!!!!!" to my whole family when I was standing up to go to the kitchen to get a drink to force the bubble down. And, oh no, the story can't be nice and just end there. Things have to get much more terrible, because it's me. Because then my sister started to join in and scream about me choking to everyone who was there (Like, 12-14 people besides myself) as well. She then proceeded to jump behind me very quickly, and made things much worse. You know, as siblings do.

She ended up giving me the Heimlich maneuver which would have been great if I was choking on food, but, uh, yeah, I wasn't choking. So, in turn of her doing this I just went ahead and emptied my stomach out on the floor and vomited a few times in front of all of my family, since it just seemed like the polite things to do and all. After she let go of me, I promptly let her know that I wasn't vomiting and just didn't have the chance to tell her because everyone started losing their shit so quickly, and the air bubble just made it hard to talk. You know, just to make sure that I wasn't the only one embarrassed, because I have to drag someone else down with me. Especially if they just made me puke everywhere moments ago.

So, all in all, it was a solid thanksgiving. I would give it a 8/10, and definitely recommend that you all just go throw up in front of your loved ones on the next holiday you celebrate. It's certainly a special bonding experience. If you still have time, I'd recommend going to your spouse or children right now and just spewing all over their floor and then giving them a big old smooch goodnight. I promise, you definitely will not regret it my friends.

And, that is my little thanksgiving tale for you fine people. I truly hope you've all enjoyed it, just as I have over the past few years as I bring it up to guilt trip my sister, since I am a fucking asshole. Hopefully it at least gave one or two of you a laugh, if not then I guess you're just a god damn communist...Or, don't laugh at peoples trauma. One or the other, I suppose. Anyways, thanks for stopping by to read this. Again, happy thanksgiving to those of you celebrating. Hopefully none of you had some shit like this happen! Take it easy until next time, slutterbutts!