Itchy Testicles, Penis, and Rash

It came out of nowhere, with no obvious explanation, but once it had started it just wouldn’t stop. Like toothache there was little I could do but wait it out and hope that it got better, and pray that it didn’t get worse. I itched myself red raw, and it was difficult to tell whether I was itching because of the rash, or whether the rash had developed because of my rigorous itching. There was something not quite right, that was obvious, I ruled out an STD due to the fact that I hadn’t had sex in a longer period of time than I would care to admit, despite the fact that I’d heard many of them can lie dormant for years.

The obvious course of action would be to visit my Doctor, but lets face it, I’m a man, which means that with regards to the little (big) fella downstairs, I would be far more likely to stand by and watch him blister, wither, curl up, and die, before I’d go visit the doctor and drop my pants for diagnosis.

Upon Googling the symptoms I discovered that I was not alone, the search results were full of forum entries and questions such as:

"My testicles itch a lot, and I scratch them really hard. It sounds gross but I have made scratches on them and now the skin peels off sometimes. The peeling is growing and is moving upward towards my penis. Help me please, I don’t know what do! What can I do to stop the itching?"

So having read the pleading forum request for help written above, it was obvious that I and this anonymous itcher had symptoms in common, so I scrolled down in haste eager to receive the same advice that he had no doubt been given.

"Dip them in 1 quart saucepan filled with boiling oil. You should immediately note that they no longer itch."

‘Itch’ no, I thought having read it, ‘burn’ yes, ‘dissolve’ probably. This was not the kind of advice that I’d been hoping for, and whilst I immediately took this for what it was, the semi-humorous reply of a moron, I was a little concerned as to just how many visitors of a simpler persuasion that may have stopped by seeking a remedy for their raw itching testicles, may have attempted this for relief.

And that is now the beauty of the internet, I am now able to obtain my medical advice from those completely unqualified to give it via online medical forums, and can now obtain my medications directly from huge overseas warehouses run by those with little to no knowledge regarding their safe application or dosage.

Meanwhile In an attempt to bring interim aid to my increasingly itchy ball sack I reached for the cream, any cream, and all that I could find in my meager medical supplies was an almost full tube of something that I’d been given the year before having been tattooed in a back street parlor, on the streets of Bangkok. Curious as to what exactly it was I was now smearing all over my penis and balls I checked the tube, but of course it was all written in Thai. Only two words although unknown to me seemed to be in English, the first of which was ‘Cetrimide’, back to Google.

‘Cetrimide is an antiseptic agent with detergent properties. It has the wide spectrum of antiinfectives against bacteria and fungi. It is used as an ingredient of shampoos for treating seborrhoea and psoriasis. A very dilute solution can be applied topically for the relief of sore gums.’

Whilst possibly not ideal I felt that it was somewhere along the right lines, anti-septic, anti-bacterial, anti-fungal: all promising terms. Several days later whilst applying more of the cream to my still itching testicles I took another look at the tube, and a closer look at the other word written in English, the name of the cream, of which I hadn’t given full appreciation before, ‘SEPTICOX’.

‘SEPTICOX’, I wasn’t entirely sure why that seemed such a familiar term at first, it certainly wasn’t a word that I’d heard of before, ‘SEPTICOX’, and then I dissected it.

SEPTIC: Infected, or denoting infection.

And COX.

Of all the creams in this world that I could have spent the last few days applying to my irritated genitals, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that had I reached into the medicine drawer blindfolded, I was always going to pull out this one.

Later investigation yielded the facts that the cream was in fact made by a company known as ‘COX Laboratories’ based in Bangkok, who produced other creams with names such as ‘CANDID COX Cream’ and ‘COX-Pain Cream’. And knocking my confidence slightly in their pharmaceutical abilities was the discovery that they had recently branched out into the selling of mobile-homes, ‘COX Mobile-homes’. I was quietly confident in my ability to predict that should I ever become the proud owner of my very own mobile-home, this is the company that would construct it.

** And yes, my testicles are still itching...