Good morning, Steemians!
I will now live-Steem the Apple World Wide Developers Conference keynote presentation.
There is trendy music playing. Is Apple over? We shall see.
There are app logos scrolling horizontally while a man sings:
"I'm all tied up, there's no love."
A chilling vision of things to come?
Widescreen drone shots about 'natural occurrences'.
Ah. It's a parody of David Attenborough's nature programmes. Developers instead of animals.
It's about developers at a conference and how they are like other sentient species.
Is Apple over? Let's see if they can claw their way back out of this silliness...
Jobs would be furious.
Tim Cook, there.
Cook is excited about 'having' 20 million Apple developers.
Where is Cook from? The south of America? Texas?
Is this presentation for me? I thought I was coming here to learn about a new iOS.
Anyway, not to worry. Let's plough on.
"Customer at the center of everything" is the message here.
I hope that involves making the phone fit in a hand soon.
He just introduced "Greg Federeedy(?)
Now we're looking at iOS 12. Here we go.
We're looking at the first iOSs now.
It took seven weeks to get 50% of people to update to iOS 11 and that is apparently a good thing. It sounds like no one cares.
But they do have a 95% satisfaction rate... apparently.
Now they are "doubling down" on performance.
I will need to be able to reach the app icons, so hopefully Greg will make the phone smaller soon.
Greg just said 'tip team' instead of 'chip team'. I feel that his mistake had a sexual element. What is he really thinking about when he says "performance"?
Greg is very happy.
"YEAH! THANK YOU!"
As a visual you might like to imagine Guy Smiley from the Muppets, but a silver fox.
He's augmenting reality now.
Arbay Parasnass is a CTO of Adobe and he's on the stage now.
He's on about AR (Augmented Reality) still.
He just got an applause for putting some AR in a cloud.
Just make the phone smaller, pls.
Oh it's a "creative cloud". And you can out an AR in it, in real time.
And now Arbay is gone.
Greg is back with something potentially excellent:
You can use AR to measure things. If this works as a tape measure I will be fucking impressed.
Oh my god this is actually excellent.
Genuinely this must be black magic.
Greg measured some actual luggage by just clicking on the corners, and a photo by just centring it in the screen.
He said, joylessly, like Deckard in the original Blade Runner, "isn't that amazing."
Nothing will be better than this...
...unless they make the phone smaller.
Something else about AR.
A game where you throw virtual balls at actual wooden castles and they fall over. That is not possible unless I'm missing something.
A Yorkshireman (who has clearly lived in America for a while judging by his accent) from Lego®!
And he's ruining Lego® by making it digital.
You AR scan your lego building and make it into a story on the screen?
Now they're just building a whole lego building by clicking the screen. Utter travesty. What is the god damn point of Lego®, Lego®?
I was just telling my wife yesterday about how exceptional Lego® is as a company. They don't do military playsets, and parts made fifty years ago fit into parts made today. An incredible engineering feat and a moral company.
And now they are ruining themselves.
iOS 12 makes "photos work for you"
Categories that seem to know exactly what you've been doing.
"hiking and watersports"...
I do feel like Jobs would be on board with this though.
You go out to dinner and take photos then the iPhone tells you which photos it thinks are good to share with people then when you share them the people's phones tell them which photos to share of the same event.
What's the point of all of this? Do we need so many photos?
You can tell Siri you lost your keys and it will ring your Tile.
Shortcut phrases basically.
From what I understand, Siri is not clever enough so they are making you program it. Probably a good thing if Westworld is to be believed.
All I really want is for Siri to work properly when I'm connected to the Bluetooth® in my car. At the moment I pretty much have to have an argument with it
Also the iPhone needs to be smaller.
A new person called Kim is on the stage showing us how Siri can help with her day.
This is all so complex.
I threw up a little last night because I didn't blot the oil from my marinated artichoke hearts last night.
I had forgotten about it until now, but the old nausea and acidic vomit sting is back in my consciousness.
This segment feels like a nightmare where everything happens in the digital world.
It's over now, and Kim did the best she could with the appalling material.
Now Susan, with app news.
She's starting with News.
I do use News but I don't really know how to use it. And this looks the same, but with a sidebar on the iPad.
"We've completely rebuilt the Stocks app."
Stocks is "a pretty great experience".
You can now use voice memos on the iPad. Only just now.
iBooks is now called Books. The bathos is not lost on this new presenter. Sorry, I missed her name.
She said something about CarPlay. Not sure what that is but it is good for third-party navigation. So that might be good?
Do Not Disturb has changed so there are no notifications at nighttime. That is actually good for me.
Notifications have become a lot more involved. Let's see...
HUGE cheer for the words "grouped notifications".
Greg just said "triage notifications".
That vomit again.
Now we can see screen time. We can see how addicted we are with statistics. It tells us to stop using the phone if we ask it to. Is this the answer to our problems? No. But what is? Not this.
I don't have kids but this doesn't seem good for them either.
What I have learned from raising my three-year-old nephew is that the only way to curb negative activities is by offering something better. This screen time allowance seems like total horror.
Animoji, which I can't use on my phone, now has 'tongue detection'. It's nadir of this presentation. It's the nadir of civilisation.
In around 2006 Nintendo allowed you to make Mii characters. Now, twelve years later, you can do it on an iPhone: Memoji.
A woman is showing us Memoji now. She can put the right number of freckles on herself.
Is this fun, like she says? Is it fun? Is it anything? How much effort has all of this taken? Why?
Why? Why? (please comment with your reaction)
She says "fun" a lot.
One day at a holiday hotel resort complex in Menorca—the night after a two-year old child drowned in the pool at 3am with the attendant public horror and screaming that that induced in the family of the wretched child—we attended a show next to the pool. They had a game where people had to run around collecting people's clothing. I was just watching, or so I thought. Then a woman who was playing the game, to much shouting and music from the MC, ran up to me and asked for my shirt. I said no. She shouted GIVE IT TO ME. I declined. She shouted again, much closer to my face:
Something about FaceTime. Group calls?
Tim Cook is talking on the FaceTime screen. He has put an AR mask of his own face over his face.
Back to real Tim.
They want you to wear it "all the time".
An anecdote about a woman saving her husband from drowning by using her Apple Watch to make an emergency call when she couldn't reach her phone.
Kevin Lynch now.
I just realised that they might make U2 play at the end again.
Kevin says technical words. "terrabytes" "biometric" "calories"
I really feel dizzy now. Maybe I need so water.
I'm going to go to the kitchen to get some water.
I missed an applause.
Exercise now. Yoga (my wife might like that). Hiking..?
"Rolling mile pace"?
"Cadence" (steps per minute)
"Automatic workout detection."
This man looks about as sedentary as me, which is quite sedentary.
We are not fat, you understand. Quite the opposite, but I just eat the right amount for the excercise I do. Very little calories equals very little to burn, so the physical activity (mainly DIY) that I do, is more than adequate. I feel pretty healthy, apart from the residual vomit from last night.
Apple Watch still.
I hope they make the iPhone smaller.
Podcasts on the Apple Watch. Is that good? How does that work?
Jules is on an exercise bike now.
She is "super excited"
This says nothing to me about my life but I'll try to be objective.
The Watch is pitting her exercising against a friend. A competition. I hear people like competition.
Jules is messaging friends about social plans while cycling on the bike. Is this new?
My wife says this woman is "crazy" and "needs to calm down".
Jules' son just used 'Walkie-Talkie' to call her son at home. Is that how walkie-talkies work? Isn't that a phone? Maybe I've misunderstood. Maybe there was no way to talk on the Watch before. But don't you need your phone in your pocket anyway?
You can use your watch to pay for snacks.
Welcome to anyone who has come here from Stuff editor Guy Cocker's tweet.
By the way, Apple Watch is over now. It's Apple TV.
Apple TV has 4K HDR.. Yes..?
They'll update all of our purchased shows... I accidentally purchased a movie once on Apple TV, so it will update that I guess.
Something about sound bars? Sorry I missed that because my new orange filing cabinet arrived.
Apple Atmos or something is the name of the new sound system.
Watching the delivery driver taking photos of the delivery he has just made now. In fact it was a different man who took the photo. He was wearing hi-vis which means he was slightly more important than the first man.
They're making it easier to make cable sign-on form your cable supplier. I guess this is a necessary transition to full cable-cutting.
The Apple Remote is on Control Center now. That might be helpful to me. I use Roku now though mainly because it came with my new TV.
She just said "very unique", which is not semantically possible.
She has just revealed a “new location”: Earth.
Is this about Google Earth? No... I think it's just photos... Why?
Back to Tim...
They are auctioning Columbo's Mac today. True story. It didn't sell last time. Neither did his shoes. Hopefully they will go to a good home today.
The naming of the Mac OS is handled by a "crack marketing team". And they use "deep technology".
The new Mac OS is called... Mojave
One of the most distinctive new features is: DARK MODE
I actually thought that was already a thing, but I'm glad it is now.
Big round of applause for xcode being dark now. People very happy with that.
Another new feature: dynamic desktop. It is...
Stacking desktop files and folders. It's like folders but with no need to open Finder. Fine.
Finder has a new view: "Gallery View"
I need a wee wee now.
You can watermark photos in Finder?
We can edit photos and videos and forms in Finder now.
They've made "screenshots more powerful".
I bet you still can't screenshot Netflix.
I should have eaten breakfast. Hope this is over soon.
I just remembered you can measure stuff in AR with the new iOS. I'm very excited about this and don't need to bother with all of this other bumf.
eg. Greg just put a photo of his face in an astronaut costume.
News is coming to the Mac. Again, why was that not there already?
Also Stocks... I have a Steem ticker by Coin Tick. That's all I need really.
Now I can "command my home with my Mac"?
Something about privacy.
They are protecting things. Do we trust Apple to protect things?
APPLE ARE SHUTTING DOWN COOKIES ON SAFARI! WUT???
Something like cookies..? So in Safari, data companies can't track you as easily as before. This sounds good. I'm a little skeptical.
Ann Tai talking about the Mac App Store now. Yes?
I like her dress/skirt'n'top.
"New design... but familiar". Does anyone ever use the Mac App Store?
This feels like it's winding down now...
I think his name might be Craig, not Greg.
Rendering. Technical stuff.
I think I'm done here.
If they have anything else that's more consumery then I'll miss it.
I'm going to mash some avocado into a bagel.
Thanks for reading!