@teardrops and @surpassinggoogle: When will this end?

A girl keeping all the pain inside

She cry herself to sleep at night then in the morning she always pull of a smile with all her might.
She fought battles that no one knows, she shed @tears from sorrows, and she don't want anyone to know.
She's not shy to show everyone how weak she is, she just simply wants to show them that she's okay and she can handle the pain. Because to her, crying means being able to release unspoken words uttered by precious @tears.

As a girl living in this world full of random mysteries and countless chaos, the world seemed so big that I felt like I'm only a molecule. In my bed I sat there, alone. I kept telling myself that everything will be alright. The pain will eventually fade. But then I can't deny the fact that the pain kept on making me realize how useless and worthless I am.

I didn't want to cry, but my @tears betrayed me. They're already falling chasing each other down my cheeks without even warning me. I forced myself to prevent from sobbing, I don't want them to know that I'm crying. Crying means being weak. But to me, crying is the only way to ease all the pain trapped inside me.

I did my best and won a lot of certificates, medals, ribbons and trophies just to prove to them that I do have worth. Then, in a single mistake, they forgot everything. My hardworks, my achievements, my accomplishments, my everything... they're all forgotten. And now, they're showering me with painful words, they reminded me of all my mistakes, they reminded me that I wasn't enough - it wasn't enough, I was useless and worthless.

I tried my best not to cry to this simple matter, but guess what? Words from your very own parents strikes harder than any physical contacts, words coming from them hurts more than getting stabbed, know why? Because all of them pierced through the heart that makes it entirely painful both emotionally and mentally .

My Dad told me that since I was born, I have never done anything useful, that I'm no good, that I've never done anything good since then. Those words alone seemed like dagger piercing through my heart.

I realized, "Really? Have you forgotten who sacrificed her one month of studying just to take care of you back when you were hospitalized? Have you forgotten who stayed up all night just to check on you the whole month? Do you even care? Do you even remember?"

Those thoughts in my mind triggered my inner me making myself to cry. I couldn't handle the pain anymore so I locked myself up in my room. There, my @tears... all the @tears that I've been holding in came flowing like raindrops of pains. I can still hear them talking about how worthless I am. My Mom even said that, "You're still not halfway there. You've prove nothing great yet. Don't assume you already proved that much."

"Seriously? I haven't proved anything great since then? I made it to top 5 every quarters and semesters, I've won a lot of competitions, I made it to a Regional Competition, I definitely did my best to gain all those certificates, medals and ribbons in that cabinet, I did not stole any of them. Aren't they enough? What else should I do then? What else do you want me to do to prove myself to the both of you?"

I answered in my mind. And yes, I'm so weak, I couldn't even speak up for myself nor defending myself. Since I was a kid I have never ever talked back with my Mom and Dad. Because to me, it's not right... it doesn't sounds right and I never wanted to hurt them. That's why I got used to crying myself to sleep - all alone, then in the morning, I try to be as lively as ever as if everything is fine and that, I'm totally fine.

That's right, I'm all fine. When I said I'm fine then that simply means I can still endure it. I can still smile while my @tears are flowing, I can still smile despite all the pain inside. It's just that, right now, I no longer know how much I can keep up. How much tears should I shed? How much pain should I endure? When will this end?