The other side of the story ..

So what happened yesterday?

My girlfriend and I had an argument with dangerous consequences. I had been upset because we hadn't been able to talk much because she was busy working with her writing online. She didn't really say much. It was this Filipino trait called "tampo". I felt unwanted and frustrated. I hung the call up and we never do that unless something is really wrong.

In her mind, her solution was to not talk for a day that way I could see how everything really would be. To me, that felt like curing the disease by killing the patient. So I decided that if she didn't want to talk for a day for a reason like that, I would just suspend the relationship since in my view, we wouldn't be there for each other. She dismissed it by saying we don't even talk anyways according to you. I made no permanent changes, I simply "switched off" the relationship, not unlike a computer when it malfunctions and turns itself off.

I then took off to my grandmas house. My aunt was there and I was going to stop by to offer her some food I had made earlier. I never made it out there. My girlfriend called me and initially I wasn't going to answer. It was already super late from her perspective and I didn't want to fight with her. But on the end of things, I didn't want her to feel like I didn't care, so I answered the call. I was accused of being mean, so I told her off by saying that when she gets mad because of me being busy, I desperately find a way to compromise to satisfy both sides. I've recently been working at a friends shop to rebuild an engine. I've been working around the clock so I can finally get the project over and done with so I don't have to keep going out there. I don't like her feeling upset because of me getting busy. So to continue, I told her that while i'm desperately trying to find a way to please her, she causes me more pain and frustration when I get upset with her getting busy.

I shut down after I yelled at her, but that had more disastrous consequences. She went numb. Now that I think about it, it's probably because she had never been yelled at like that, but I had reached my breaking point, and apparently so did she. I went home and we went to sleep. That night, her morning, when she woke up, she was still in that numb state, our relationship was heavily damaged. I was ready to just close everything down. It felt like a "Catch-22" situation. If I tried to do anything to fix the situation, it would've been met with no response as she appeared to be emotionally dead. If I took no action, then I would've been accused of being insensitive and selfish.

At that point I felt bad, and the worst was yet to come. She says she felt like fell off of a rainbow and into the mud, I felt like I was in the middle of the ocean on a little lifeboat, watching a giant, massive ship go down in flames. I would look all around me and all I would see is water. I realize I wouldn't get far with this.

The next morning, I woke up and headed straight to work. Surprisingly, she called me. Again, I wasn't planning on answering, but I did at the last second because deep down, I love this girl and I didn't want to make the situation worse. I told her I was really appreciative of the call and I politely excused myself because I had to go into the building.

By then I was in a lot of emotional pain. I was trying to be like a machine, but instead I was a crippled individual that was coming apart internally and desperately trying to fight back tears. I got lucky though. As soon as I signed in, something had gone wrong on the computer's end and I wasn't getting any calls. Lucky me as I could barely speak. I made it about four hours when I finally got on this very difficult call about an internet installation. I could not function at all. I was having lots of delays due to being unable to speak. This customer was very patient and understanding. I told him, "Off the record, I experienced a minor personal tragedy, so please excuse any interruptions" He offered to hang up and call back in, and I told him no, that I will get through the call one way or another. I made it through and was able to keep myself together long enough to talk to my immediate supervisor about the issue. Fighting back tears, I told her that something horrible had happened last night and it had left me unable to function. I was lightheaded, bumping into walls, shaking, nauseous, and had tingly hands. I told her that this isn't any relationship. I've had this person by my side ever since my grandfather passed away, and him, I had been around my whole life, so I felt like I was losing two important people at the same time.

It turns out my supervisor was also experiencing a personal emergency as well as she also had to leave so she sent me home. I lost half a day of work because of this, but I learned something very important. It's not going to be an overnight fix but I have to learn to be understanding. I was told by my girlfriend that she too had been making compromises to keep me involved with what she was doing just as I had, though I had been too impatient and blind to see them. I have to work with her because I love her and she is all that I have. Losing her would have disastrous consequences and would leave me feeling like Superman being stuck with kryptonite.