the Paradox of Service

In life we are born and naturally learn to look after Number One (ourselves). We desire the very basic things such as warmth, food, and security. Babies cry when things are not quite right. Mothers (and Fathers) love their children (usually) and spend their lives raising their children.

When I was a teenager, I once thought out of the box of myself. We were quite a large family of five children. We always went to school with sandwiches that my mother made every schoolday. She would get up at five in the morning (maybe earlier) and make these sandwiches. Occasionally she would make them on the previous evening. I was quite curious as to what motivated her to do this thankless task (I wonder how often we thanked her for her efforts?). One evening while she was making a table of sandwiches, I asked her why did she do it for us? We had arms and legs and even knew how to use them, why not tell us just to make our own sandwiches? If we were too lazy then we must just go hungry. Her reply was typical for her, "well some one must make you guys some lunch and this is just what I do". I thanked her at that time and expressed my appreciation for years of sandwiches. We were an English type of family, not given to much outward expressions of our emotions.

The years have gone by. She is a widow and still loves to "do things for her children and grandchildren". She saves her money to give a birthday gift to all the grandchildren. Even her children she still gives things to. She loves to work, whenever she comes to visit, her first point of call is the kitchen. If there are any plates or cutlery that require washing, she immediately runs water into the kitchen sink and washes them. It drives my wife nuts as she is building up stuff for the dishwasher. My mother does not believe in such things and insists on washing them. She is completely deaf and cannot hear how she bashes the crockery while washing it. Occasionally some things get chipped but that's just too bad. She derives self value from work and serving others.

My wife is another one, always doing stuff for other people, her children and others outside the family. It irritated me at first when I took her out for a meal. The first thing she does is offer a bite of what she ordered, often before she has even tasted the food itself. I used to be rude and say if I wanted that I would have ordered it, I want to just eat my own food (what can one expect from an accountant such as myself?)

So this mystery of serving others, particularly by women it seems, causes me to reflect.

Service is not an evolutionary development to my way of thinking. Darwinism seems to explain many things, but there are a couple of things that do not seem to fit. A couple of examples such as personality, love, and particularly service. Many could argue that is it a critical part of survival of the specie, yet how does the more "modern" concept of "worship of self" fit in? Impassionate viewing must regard homosexuality as an aberration that threatens the survival of the specie itself. Abortion too and the breakdown of the traditional family structure, threaten the survival of the specie. The breakdown of the family unit is creating individuals who struggle to fit into the mould of marriage. The child does not know how to model their life to fit into a community.

So serving others is illogical, I exclude those who "serve for an ulterior motive", that is merely barter. But service is like the "free lunch" in the truest sense of the word. It seem illogical to me that when you serve someone/something else, you grow in love for the recipient of your efforts. A mother loves her child, even when the miserable creature expresses no gratitude and continues to selfishly pursue their own interests at all costs.

The first time I experienced this illogical emotion was when I was a "tweenager". My Dad compelled me to come help move a single lady's furniture from one house to another. I was irritated, this woman kept on moving from one place to another. I knew this woman's furniture well as I had moved it so often. Why did the Old Man always have to help? So reluctantly I went along and helped. Something strange happened during that "service" to me, I found myself enjoying helping. How peculiar it was to me. I still remember that lady with affection many years later.

This strange thing continued to happen, as I grudgingly served other people, particularly my wife and kids.

When I read literature and immerse myself in stories about historical figures, particularly women like Emily Hobhouse, Mother Theresa and even men like Jan Smuts and Nelson Mandela, I see people who heroically served others by offering their lives in service.

Many religions have figureheads of beings of admiration. People who have given their all for a common purpose of good.

the paradox

if you want to love someone, serve them or, if you serve someone, you will grow to love them.

Is this a religious concept?

It may be in the philosophy of many religions but it is also in everyone, every single human being. I see that the most miserable people are those that only think about themselves and their own needs. I see the happiest of people are those who unconsciously serve others without thought of reward. Why? It is illogical, it is not making the "giver" more? Is it? They are wasting their time and effort; they are being diminished. Surely the person who focuses on their own needs should be the happiest of all? Yet they are the most miserable.

I am sure you find this in your own lives, I hope you too have experienced this paradox, the Paradox of Service.