Cultural divergence in fast food acquisition: Or damn, its hard to get a burger in Tokyo! Part 8

OK now its getting serious! Most of the mission’s goals have been accomplished… We ordered burgers, fries and beverages, check. We secured a seat and table against not unsubstantial odds, and while not quite the expansive area we were hoping for, still we were seated (more than some others achieved!) We have even managed without insult (cultural or otherwise) or injury (well there was the minor blow to an adjacent crotch and my breasts, but nothing serious.). Moreover, we have now consumed our burgers (squid ink notwithstanding) and there is still a little time left on the clock before that 30 minute window slams shut on our cold little fingers…

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So, while still licking the last bit of shiny black squid ink cheese off my fingers, my colleague and I began to discuss what had been on both our minds since we managed to secure this seat (how the hell were we going to get out of it!) More importantly, having exited the seat, how might one, then make one’s way to the nearest exit? In fact, where was the bloody exit?! Since the snow began to fall outside and precipitated the entire population of SL Plaza to join us inside Macca’s, Shimbashi, all I’ve been able to see is crotch and butt (seriously if there is a earthquake alarm now, someone will not be reproducing!) Aussie coming through…

There is, due to the enormous population in Japan, (at least in metropolitan areas) an acceptance that in some situations (such as on the trains) where it is just unavoidable, physical contact happens (now there’s a whole bunch of posts). In these situations no apology or even to some extent acknowledgement by any of the contact making parties involved is required. You just kind a shove your way to where you need to go and unless you meet absolute resistance due to the mass of bodies, silence and minimal or no eye contact is made and rarely are words spoken. (Just like an Aussie rules footy match when everyone goes for a beer! Accept we’re very chatty and we look at each other constantly…) OK really nothing like Australia!

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So the exit strategy was… Attempt to stand (easier for my colleague than I) and then I being taller than most of the occupants of Macca’s, Shimbashi, would scan 360 degrees for our exit and would lead the way, with my colleague hanging onto the back of my overcoat like a 2 woman conga line. (Aside: now you may have forgotten but I am wearing just about every piece of clothing I brought with me to Japan, so I look like a big tall blonde Sasquatch, because I can’t tolerate the cold. Consequently I can scarcely move and I’m really wedged into my seat (very tightly) so I’m not confident I can get up at all).

I try to slide ever so gingerly to the right (because I prefer buttocks to crotch) and my colleague may have already done crotch man some damage earlier and I really would like to make a clean exit (yeah right!) I make the observation that not all of me is moving… my head, shoulders and breasts are going right, but everything below that is staying put under the table. Yep, I’m gonna have to put a bit more umph into it. Terrified of over compensating, landing on the adjacent table with or without butt man, or just taking him out along with the people at the next table, I give it another go and there is definitely some movement (thank you deity of my choice! )

A couple more attempts and we have lift off!

Now as excited as I was (briefly!) this was immediately ameliorated by my realisation that as I’m about a foot taller than most men in here, they are now all level with my chest. So butt man now has his face in my cleavage! There goes that Facebook status … So I start gently making my way the 60 cm to the other side of the table to collect my colleague all the while scanning for the exit over a sea of heads and managed to locate our objective. (Oh no, it’s long way!)

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My colleague now stands and she is now amending her Facebook status as a result of her encounter with crotch man (I can’t bear to watch, they’re the same height!) We set off like some Frosty the Snowman version of a conga line of 2 making our way at the speed of a snail across Macca’s. We are dodging all manner of fast food obstacles en route… trays laden with those over-sized beverages are being held aloft in one hand by tiny little Japanese girls who look as though a good gust of wind would take them out. While in the other hand they are wolfing down a burger like a dockside worker from Melbourne (it’s a little scary actually, remind me not to piss them off!)

We duck , weave and waddle our way to the exit and the light in the tunnel of our exit mission is in sight (I’m just hope that light is not an oncoming train!) Finally, after what seems like an eternity we step into SL Square, Shimbashi (OMG, OMG its freezing!!! I’m going back in…)

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Being a Queenslander and not dealing with a lot of snowfall in the tropics, I personally was not accustomed to these conditions and my flight or fight reflex kicked in. My colleague however had spent quite a bit of time in Europe, so she had it all under control and remained calm, cool (literally) and collected. (I however did not share her confidence!)

Taking control of the situation she grabbed me firmly by the elbow and started walking me in the direction of my office, before I bolted back into Macca’s. Now this seemed like such a good idea but what we hadn’t allowed for (I’m giving myself a pass on this one by the way), is the weather conditions. When we went in about 25 minutes ago it was neither raining nor snowing, it was just freezing cold, so while I was wearing lots of warm clothes, not a great deal of attention had been paid to the footwear.

I was wearing what I thought would keep me warm and was office and public transport appropriate, a pair of black leather, medium height, high heel dress boots (I didn't need to be too much taller I'd risk constant head injury on low hanging obstacles!) So as my colleague lead me through SL Square, my teeth chattering together like some sort of bizarre musical instrument, the next thing I know I’m landing on my butt! (Only about 100 people in close proximity, nothing to see moving on…)

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Apparently we (well, to be perfectly clear I) stepped on a patch of ‘black ice’ (yeah, not a lot of that in Queensland!) which is horribly slippery, or so I gathered from the conversation’s I was now having collectively with 15 or so lovely local Japanese folks who had rushed to my aid (embarrassment!). They then collectively hoisted me to my feet, just so I could promptly fall straight back down again taking at least 2 of them with me (I do like to share!). They did mention that people were falling on their butts all over Tokyo, lots of broken arms and ankles, due to the unexpected snowfall (starting to feel like slightly less of an idiot! But only slightly...) Did I need an ambulance? I assured them I did not, (although another 2 minutes out here and I may well have hypothermia, if it wasn't for the profuse bowing I would have frozen solid about 30 seconds ago). I thanked them for their help, profusely, but what I really need was to stand up for more than 30 seconds without falling down. (Suggestions anyone?) To be continued…