Getting Creative with Swear Words

I have to admit, I have the worst mouth. With an almost one year old, I have to get creative with what I say. I've been coming up with some alternatives for swear words I think are useful. However, if you're in public, people may look at you strange.

Just this morning I said,

There was a shopping cart full of bats flying around my head while I was walking the dog.

There were a lot of bats, and the funny thing is Kenny didn't even flinch when I said shopping cart.

Alternatives for the F word

What the french toast is going on in here?
Where the fireplace grate are my keys?
Why the farmer's market is there a donut in the bread basket?
Where the Farrah Fawcett did your dada go?

Granted a lot of the time it's me using whatever I see. I also am not sure if there's such a thing as a fireplace grate.

Alternatives for the S word

There's a lot of smiley face in this diaper.
I feel like a sewer sandwich.
The dog may have squirreled on your boots.
This is complete and total bull sweaters.

Alternatives for the D word

Dingle it why me all the time?
Find your dragon fantasy football draft board in a minute
She threw the dancing remote again.

There could actually be a dragon fantasy football type game. I'm feeling a hybrid of Game of Thrones trivia and fantasy football. Anyone else?

I'm also a fan of melon baller which is what you often hear when they play movies like Pineapple Express on cable. So as I go through life parenting this precious thing I don't want yelling the real version of shopping cart in a crowded area, she'll probably learn some very incorrect ways to use certain words.

What are some fun alternatives you use for swearing?

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