Steemit Vision Quest: Among The Lucky Ones

I am going to begin "off the wall" but you will see why.

Many years ago, I took a scuba diving trip that ended badly. I had to swim 4 hours to get back to the island. If I stopped swimming, I got pushed out to sea. It was not a strong current, if I just kept swimming I knew I would make it back, so I just kept swimming. I was safe, uninjured, no worries, right?

A few months later, a movie came out called "The Deep." We went to see it, thought it would be sort of funny considering what had happened. Well, turns out something in my lizard brain had been scared shitless. When they used all the tricks available in cinematography to let the audience know that woman was NOT going to make it, that she would drift out to sea, I had a PTS reaction and had to leave the theater. I could hardly breathe, I was sure I was about to drown - in the theater...

Another bit of time passes, I am with old friends telling them about the dive trip. I planned on getting to the part about the movie and all but never got that far. The friend called me a liar, said they had already seen that movie... Former friend, I should clarify.

Very recently, @arbitrarykitten had a HORRIFIC event, she is lucky as hell to be alive, and battling PTS as a result. OK, I had a minor little accident, my own stupid decision bit me in the butt. I have not so much as a bump or bruise. But before I got out of the truck, my foolish brain thought "Maybe I can get out on the driver's side" and I looked out the window. That image has become my PTS flashback now. I was not going to even tell this story because I just knew someone would call me a liar, say I was trying to imitate @arbitrarykitten. I denied myself my normal pressure relief outlet because I am VERY concerned for @arbitrarykitten and do not want HER to even think that of me, not once.

I peaked out the driver's side window. I realized I was resting on river willow branches and the whole thing could go in any second, and the weight of me leaning just slightly that way to look could have done the trick. Some odd, primeval noise came out of my body and I carefully scooted to the passenger seat, got out and walked away without looking back.

No one was home at the first house. I may have walked a mile, maybe a half mile, I am not good at distance but it was a walk. This was in the boonies, not a subdivision. There were people at the next house, they were kind and loving as strangers can be and we went back with his truck to pull me out. When we arrived, we all realized it would take 2 trucks pulling on the front and back simultaneously, or else what ever end you pulled from would push the opposite end on into the creek. This time I looked at the situation, and had an anxiety attack. There is one tire on the ground. Two are in the air, one is on a clump of ice. The kind strangers drove me home. My husband got off work and came home to have a look, he agreed we needed two trucks. (We did call a tow truck, they want $500 to come LOOK at it. I think you can tell by the truck we really do not have that kind of cash laying around.)

Normally, I process trauma by writing. I am a word nerd, my brain loves words and when I am typing it is the best meditation I know, but I was trying to make myself get by without it. It was just not that serious! About a month ago, I had another little accident. I slipped at the hot spring and was going down backwards, grabbing thin air all the way down. The thought crossed my mind "This could kill me!" but it did not. The events got scrambled in my brain. All night long, I tried to sleep and every time I would start to drop into sleep, I would see that view out the window. My body would violently jerk me awake, it thought I would hit my head and kill myself. Over and over, all night long. I woke up sore from all the muscle spasms.

I spent most of yesterday napping, or trying to. The jerking continued all day. I have been diagnosed with PTS - the doctors think it is a disorder but I disagree. It is a normal human response to trauma. We don't want to repeat that, so our mind and body try to make sure we do not, in sometimes odd ways. I have never experienced this jerking before, was not sure what was going on. By about 3 PM, I was in so much pain I could hardly move and I started to worry - "Will this ever stop?" So I turned on the internet... the hum of the computer was like a siren in my head so I had been trying to keep the house quiet, but I had to find out what the jerking was.

It is called "Neurogenic tremors" and it is a fairly common manifestation of PTS. There is a man with a program to make them quit, I am going to dig into that deeper as soon as the truck is out. That is our project for today, try to save the truck. What I read yesterday made me realize that it was most likely original trauma was getting mixed into this, causing the tremors. On the article about tremors was a link to an article about PTS Freeze. I thought it might be about the brain freeze I get, so I clicked. The article was about being in a situation where you are helpless, and so you just freeze up and let your brain check out. That is what had happened to my when I was 15. This man says we carry the tension from such trauma in every cell, and it MUST be released. I think my body is finally trying to release the stored energy from that trauma, using this almost non-event to make me process the deeply traumatic one.

This is a link to some information about the process I will begin studying and using:
https://www.health24.com/Mental-Health/Disorders/Tremor-vs-trauma-20120721

Well, @cabelindsay has been hosting this wonderful inner adventure called "Steemit Vision Quest" and I have not missed a week yet. When I looked at the subject this week, I decided to tell my story. Think whatever you like of me, I am doing what I believe will help heal me. I was sitting outside, just being grateful to feel the sun on my face. The chickens that had not been butchered the morning before were running around the yard. I made this little video with my cell phone. So @cabelindsay, you may honestly accuse me of "phoning it in" this week - lol! But the topic he chose felt like "permission" from the Universe to tell my story. This weeks prompt was "Lucky."

Here is the video I made yesterday. Thanks for giving me the space to process this, and the encouragement to tell my story Cabe!