Suicidal Horcruxes
Like many people I'm a fan of the Harry Potter series but there was always a specific element that seemed to resonate with me. Voldemorts horcruxes. As a mental health sufferer I have always struggled with suicidal idolisation. Sometimes it's just thoughts, other times things have got more dangerous and resulted in an attempt of some kind. With each attempt, even though they have not resulted in my death I have still felt like something has been lost.
Disclaimer: Please use your best judgement to decide if this is likely to be a triggering topic for you and utilise a suitable support option if needed.
So what is a horcrux?
Before I can explain my thought process, firstly let's remind ourselves what a horcrux is in the Harry Potter world. Kind thanks to SadysticBathory for uploading this video showing Slughorns memory of teaching Voldemort about them.
The psychological impact of making a suicide attempt:
Every living creature has an in-built mechanism to improve their chance of survival. It's commonly referred to as "fight or flight". Both are designed to improve the chances of making it out of a dangerous situation alive. You either fight the danger or get your butt the heck out of there as fast as your legs can carry you.
This is what makes a suicide attempt so extraordinary from a psychological point of view. The process involves you having to push through a barrier that has evolved in every living creature since the dawn of time. I'm going to say that again to let that resonate with you a little.
Now I want to make it very clear that I am not trying to condone or glorify the ability to do this. Because committing such an act has to have a huge impact on ones psyche. The scale of the attempt or the lack of success (I use the term success lightly) has no relevance. Once that barrier has been pushed through something changes.
So why do I feel this is linked to horcruxes?
Voldemorts desire to make them was for survival after all, the very opposite of what a suicide attempt is setting out to achieve. As we learned from the video above, in order to make a horcrux you had to commit what is arguably the worst crime of all, you have to kill someone.
"Killing rips the soul apart, it is a violation against nature."
The only difference with suicide is that you are committing that crime on yourself. The result of committing such a crime is that you lose a part of your soul to form the horcrux. When you consider the psychological barrier you have to pass though in order to make an attempt I can easily believe that it would have that level of impact.
It scares me to think how many times I may have lost a part of my soul. My first attempt I was just a child of 12 and I imagine my soul was far from fully developed.
Maybe this is why I feel as empty as I do. Is my soul so fragmented that it's now impossible to live? Can a soul be repaired? I guess I'll find out.
Be kind, always
Sharky
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