Thank you for having the courage to tell this story. I think most people have had times in their life where things looked so dark and incurable that it seemed there was no way out. But life is like a roller coaster with hills and valleys. You just have to keep moving forward to find the next hill. I'm glad you didn't go through with it and I'm sure others that know you are as well. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Also, I once dated someone that drank like your father and it was a nightmare. He was very emotionally abusive and destroyed my self confidence, which made it harder to dump him. Some alcoholics seems to enjoy trying to control people in their lives since they can't contorl their own life with respect to drinking. I was in my thirties and can't imagine a child having to deal with that.