THE STRUGGLE OF BEING ME

What do you think is the most painful thing in life?
Let me tell you, it’s when there is no one to believe in you. When you are all alone and you can’t find any one to help you out. Desperation and frustration start shacking you and in no time you forget what you are. When things happen around us no matter how hard we try we keep running into dead ends or banging our head to wall . We have great plans, amazing ideas but we just can’t launch them. We look around and see other people succeeding and living exciting lives . it all seems like smooth sailing to them.
So, we are left wondering

1. What others know that is unknown to me?
2. Why I have been left behind?
3. Will I struggle my whole life in such a way?
   The society and peers start pointing at us and finally they let us know that we are not capable of doing anything in this life and at that right moment we start believing in them and go into the world of despair where there is no desire, no dream, no optimism no aim and no any expectation . We are all alone in the world of misery and trust me it’s really difficult to come out of that world of despair. Well it’s not just what I am telling you but I have faced each and everything in my life.
   Beginning from the first stone when I was in school I had un-diagnosed ADHD , attention deficit hyperactivity disorder , it is t characterized by problem in paying attention, excessive activity, and result in poor school performance. I had trouble in school though I managed to get good grades but never reached to the level of my siblings, it was a hard time for me because listening to such sarcastic comment is really hard I never knew where I was standing and could not found any way to cope. It was really tough for me to sit straight in classes for continuous 6 hours , trying to pay attention and behaving like I am trying to understand and will also understand it for sure but unfortunately it all went vain, it was useless ,yet I kept on trying. People enjoy there school life while I spent it getting worried all the time. Trust me I wanted to leave the school and there was something which stopped me from leaving school. No matter how wars was that time yet it passed. And that’s the best thing about time it passes. Anyways I managed to complete my school. But the weirdest thing was that I had no aim at the time, I didn’t know what will I do now. To be honest I knew that I am not going to get admission at any university. And finally that happened too, I was rejected by many universities after wasting 6 months finally I got admission in business school and seriously that was the first ever happiest moment of my life ,I had never been this much happy and I decided to work hard no matter what ,I need to study and have to get good grades. I passed first semester but literally I had no interest in business and I started hating my courses and desperately wanted to leave that place ,my family and friends were not supporting me for this, people bluntly told me that If can’t get that degree I won’t be able to do anything in life. Yet I left that and wasted few months and got worried at that time, again I was stressed out at that time and once again got admission at (name of school) .
   It was the easiest part of my journey , the difficult one starts now, the journey of discovering me is no less than a treasure search filled with surprised experiments and horror.
   I had two options get up and fight, search and follow my dreams of discovery or do what the Romans do, which way we get to place in life but it won't be “ the place”
   It was a new start things felt to be smooth and I carried the same hopes and aims and this time I didn’t get enrolled in business I started with computer science . First month passed smoothly I was trying to pay attention and study. Even at that time people told me I can’t do that ,though CS is difficult , but nothing is impossible to achieve , I found the subjects hard and specially programming was the back breaking ,but to be very honest I was not able to concentrate all people said me wandered in my mind that I can’t do this course and the stupidity I did that believed in people and finally got dropped !
   Sigh***
   When I saw my result I could not believe , When I came to know that I am dropped out of Institution I checked the list once again . I felt I lost my foundation all dreams shattered , hopes were broken into pieces, I didn’t had a single tear in my eye . there was just complete silence . I was devastated I knew crying won’t do anything and I thought this is it. It is the end and didn’t go to university for a week. Then my friends and family suggested me that you can’t cope up with cs ,and better should go for bachelors in any subject like economics , English and excreta.
   It was the time when people break they quit ,they give up because these events are out of our control and cause tremendous heartache for a time and to a few for the life time.
   I stood once again for the same degree at the same institute with same people who asked me to leave it , but the fear of getting dropped kept on revolving in my mind for 6 months , there was no one to believe in me, at that time anyone’s existence did not matter though I only wanted to pass the semester at any cost asked many people to help me out in a few courses but seriously it’s really rare that you find anyone to help you and anyhow I passed the first semester, faced same problems because the courses are difficult for sure ,but anyhow I had to pass a semester, well I just passed it and my scores were not high. I am in third semester now and many still ask me to leave it and go for another option yet I don’t know why but I am still sticked to it. And seriously I have no idea where will I be in future or what my future holds.
   During that time I never found myself , or explore what sort of person am I. I struggled with life and that struggle was seriously of no use. Many people like me have no idea that where beauty lies, true beauty is in being yourself . All I want to be is myself now.
   The person who inspired me to stand-up for second time is this guy he is suffering from Thalasemia . He is fighting between death and life and yet is struggling with life. No matter how much hard is life still he wakes up with same courage and hope and has firm believe in himself.
   I am thankful to each and every person who did not believe in me and all those criticized on me. just because of them I have learnt to believe in my self.