LARPers Stole My Girlfriend

This happened to me recently and I was wondering if anybody else has had this problem. Let me explain.

A few weeks ago, I took my woman to a park nearby to walk the jogging paths and talk about things. As I pulled into the parking lot of the park, I noticed that it was strangely busy. The covered building area that people tend to use for birthday parties was full of people. Something was off though. These people were dressed as if they were fresh out of the Renaissance Faire. We ignored them and began walking our way down the jogging path that circles the perimeter of the park. We walked and enjoyed ourselves for a good hour or so before we decided to head back to the car and head home. On the way back to the car, something totally unexpected happened.

"Halt!" a young adult dressed in a cloak shouted as he held a foam sword towards me. I decided to let the young man have his fun, so I played along and held my hands up. My woman tried to hold back her laughter at the absurdity of the situation. Then three other man-children stepped out from the bushes and surrounded us.

"King Billiam the Third requests your presence at the royal feast," the first young man informed us.

"We're not going," I firmly said as I grabbed my woman's hand and headed towards the car.

"Whack!" the foam sword hit me in the back of the head. I turned around and grabbed the foam sword from the attacker and threw it to the ground. "The invitation isn't for you. It's for the lady," the attacker explained.

"There will be milk and cookies and cake!" one of the man-children exclaimed with extreme enthusiasm. "Also chicken tendies!!!!"

"I'll go if my boyfriend can go," my woman said. I shook my head in disappointment. Then I had a great idea. I just needed to play along for a while.

So the group of young men led us to the covered building where all of the crazy LARPers were at. We were lead through the crowd until we finally saw him... King Billiam the Third. He was a unique individual, around thirty-five years of age with glasses and shoulder length hair. He was dressed in a royal cape and crown, with a fedora to top it all off.

"Greetings, m'lady," King Billiam the Third said as he tipped his fedora. "I am King Billiam the Third, and welcome to my kingdom feast!"

King Billiam the Third glared at me as I approached him. He then smiled as he looked up at my woman and continued talking to her. That's when I decided that this had gone on long enough. It was time to shake things up and have a little fun with this 'King'.

"I challenge you to a duel!" I announced as I grabbed a random guy's sword and pointed it in the direction of the King.

"Detain him," the King demanded and six scrawny guys grabbed me by the arms and held me back. "You can't just challenge the King without any repercussions. If we are to duel, it will be my decision to. In the mean time, the lady is a guest at my feast and will remain so. As for punishment for you, you will be forced to fight in a battle royal against all of my men. Somebody get him into costume, the battle will begin soon."

I was then pushed through the crowd and to the ground. Then somebody threw a costume at me and told me to put it on. I looked down at disbelief when I realized that they had given me a Shrek costume. I had no choice but to throw it on over my clothes. Finally, I picked up the Shrek head and put it on my head. I was then lead out to the end of a soccer field where I waited for things to begin.

"By royal decree of his majesty, King Billiam the Third, I declare the Summer Massacre of 2017 officially started!" some fat guy dressed up as King Leonidas from 300 announced. He the blew into a Chinese knockoff of a replica of a battle horn. Slowly, but surely, forty nerds of various body builds walked and waddled their way to the other end of the soccer field. A few short minutes later, were organized into a formation and holding up their weapons of choice.

Suddenly, I heard a squeaky, yet loud voice as a boy approached me. "You will be destroyed!" the child proclaimed, "But our King is a fair King, so take this sword and shield." The boy handed me the sword and shield before returning to the King.

I looked across the field and prepared for the army's attack. Then I looked over at my woman who was sitting next to King Billiam the Third. I couldn't bear to see my woman with that filthy nerd. I looked down at my giant green ogre hands that clenched the sword and shield. My blood began to boil and my breathing hastened. I began sweating profusely and the smell of onions made its way to my nose. I felt layers and layers of hatred spilling out of of my ogre pores. I was no longer myself. I was Shrek!

"Get outta muh swamp!" I yelled at the top of my ogre sized ogre sized lungs. I then ran towards the army full at speed. The army charged towards me but they were not prepared to deal with the anger that dwelled inside of me. I slashed at their fastest runner, a tall lanky neck beard who fell to the ground in defeat.

Then three more nerds approached: an archer, a barbarian dwarf, and a level three mage. I swatted away arrows with my shield as I struck the dwarf in the chest. The mage shouted, "Cure minor wounds!" as he raised his staff towards the dwarf. I shield bashed the mage and delivered a killing blow to the dwarf in one quick motion. I finished off the mage with a swing at his head and blocked oncoming arrows with my shield. I held my shield in front of me and rammed the archer into the crowd behind him.

I found myself surrounded on all sides, but Shrek doesn't give up. I battled relentlessly as swords, hammers, arrows, and magic spells flew my way. Suddenly, I heard a crack and my shield exploded into a million pieces. A damn mage cast a meteor spell, so now my shield is useless, I threw it down and continued to fight the King's army. The battle raged on until about half of the King's men remained.

I thought I had the battle in the bag when my sword was knocked out of my hands. I looked to my side to see King Billiam the Third dressed fully in battle armor holding his two handed sword.

"Finish him," the King ordered his men as his cape waved in the wind. The King's men pumbled me with their swords and arrows and I fell to my knees. This was the end.

"KAME HAME HA!" I shouted and with one last burst of energy, I exploded out of the crowd. Several men flew through the air and struck their comrades as they fell to the ground. I stood there surrounded by a handful of remaining men as I caught my breath.

The remaining men all took their swings at me, but it was no use. I clothes lined two of the men and drop-kicked another. Then the last few men ran in fear. The King was speechless, but he approached me and took a swing at me. I used my ogre senses to quickly dodge his strike and hit him with my gigantic ogre fist. King Billiam the Third fell to the ground and lay there face up. I approached him and did the only logical thing that there is to do in that situation.

"You can't see me!" I shouted as I taunted like John Cena. I then proceeded to do the Five Knuckle Shuffle, which marked the end of the King's reign. I pinned the King down and a random soccer referee gave me the "1,2,3 count" victory.

I took the King's crown, placed it on my ogre head, and I became the new ruler of the land. With my woman by my side, I began my reign as King Shrek 2(I am Shrek from Shrek 2 because I already had all of the knowledge and experience from the first Shrek movie).