The Anxious Call

PLEASE, Lord let him call me now.I won't ask anything else of You, honestly I won't. It isn't really much to ask for. It would be so little to You, God, such a little, tiny thing. Only let him call now. Please, God.

If I didn't think about it, maybe the telephone will ring. Sometimes it does that. If I could think of something else. Think of the bottle of perfume I wanna get myself or the next hair style to do, probably go online and search for spicy juice, gossip with my friends. Oh, please ring. Please.

This is the last time I'll look at the clock. I will not look at it again. It's six minutes past ten. He said he would telephone at two o'clock. "I'll call you at twelve, baby" I think that's where he said "baby." I'm almost sure he said it there. I know he called me "baby" twice, and the other time was when he said good-bye. "Good-bye darling." He was busy, and couldn’t talk or say much but he called me "baby" twice. He wouldn’t have minded my calling him up. I know you shouldn't keep calling them--I know they don't like that. When you do that they know you are thinking about them and wanting them, and that makes them get tired of you.

But I hadn't talked to him in three days. And all I did was ask him how he was; it was just the way anybody might have called him up. He couldn't have minded that. He couldn't have thought I was bothering him. "No, of course you're not," he said. And he said he'd telephone me. He didn't have to say that. I didn't ask him to, truly I didn't. I'm sure I didn't. I don't think he would say he'd call me, and then just never do it. Please don't let him do that, God. Please don't.

"I'll call you at twelve baby." "Good-bye, baby. He was busy, and there were people around him, but he called me "baby’’ twice. I have that, even if I never see him again but that's so little. That isn't enough. if I never see him again. Please let me see him again, Lord. Please, I want him so much. I want him so much. I'll be good, I will try to be better, I will, If you will let me see him again. If You will let him telephone me. Let him callme now.

Ah, don't let my prayer seem too little to You, God. You sit up there, so high and mighty with all the angels about you. And I come to You with a prayer about a telephone call. You don’t know how it feels or do you? This is suffering, God, this is bad, bad suffering. Won't You help me? For Your Son's sake, help me. You said You would do whatever was asked of You in His name.

I must stop this. I mustn't be this way. Look. Suppose a young man says he'll call a girl up, and then something happens, and he doesn't. That isn't so bad is it? Why can't that telephone ring? Why can't it, why can't it? Couldn't you ring? Awww please, couldn't you? You damned, ugly, shiny thing. It would hurt you to ring, wouldn't it? Oh, that would hurt you.

No, no, no. I must stop. I must think about something else. I'll be so sweet to him, if he calls me. If he says he can't see me tonight, I'll say, "Why, that's all right, dear. Why, of course it's all right." I'll be the way I was when I first met him. Then maybe he'll like me again. I was always sweet, at first. Oh, it's so easy to be sweet to people before you love them.

I think he must still like me a little. He couldn't have called me "baby " twice today, if he didn't still like me a little. It isn't all gone, if he still likes me a little; even if it's only a little. You see, God, if You would just let him telephone me, I wouldn't have to ask You anything more. I would be sweet to him. You see, God? So won't You please let him telephone me? Won't You please, please.

I mustn't. I mustn't do this. Amusing he's a little late calling me up --that's nothing to get hysterical about. Maybe he isn't going to call--maybe he's coming straight up here without calling. He'll be angry if he sees I have been crying. They don't like you to cry. I wish I could make him cry. I wish I could make him cry and feel his heart heavy and big and festering in him. I wish I could hurt him like hell but I really like him.

God, please don't let me telephone him. Please keep me from doing that. I know, God, just as well as You do, that if he were worried about me, he'd telephone no matter where he was or how many people there were around him. Please make me know that, God. I don't ask YOU to make it easy for me--You can't do that, for all that You could make a world. Only let me know it, God. Don't let me go on hoping. Don't let me say comforting things to myself. Please don't let me hope, dear God. Please don't.
I won't telephone him. I'll never telephone him again as long as I live. He'll rot in hell, before I'll call him up. You don't have to give me strength, God; I have it myself. If he wanted me, he could get me. He knows where I am. He knows I'm waiting here.

Oh, what does pride matter, when I can't stand it if I don't talk to him? Pride like that is such a silly. The real pride, the big pride, is in having no pride. I'm not saying that just because I want to call him. I am not. That's true, I know that's true. I will be big. I will be beyond little pride.

I don't see what pride has to do with it. This is such a little thing, for me to be bringing in pride, for me to be making such a fuss about. I may have misunderstood him. Maybe he said for me to call him up, at twelve. "Call me at five, baby." He could have said that, perfectly well. It's so possible that I didn't hear him right. " I'm almost sure that's what he said. God, don't let me talk this way to myself. Make me know, please make me know.

I won't. I'll be quiet. This is nothing to get excited about. Look. Suppose he were someone I didn't know very well. Suppose he were another girl. Then I d just telephone and say, "Well, for goodness' sake, what happened to you?" That's what I'd do, and I'd never even think about it. Why can't I be casual and natural, just because I like him? I can be. Honestly, I can be. I will call him up, and be so easy and pleasant. You see if I won't, God. Oh, don't let me call him. Don't, don't, don't.

God, aren't You really going to let him call me? Are You sure, God? Couldn't You please relent? Couldn't You? I don't even ask You to let him telephone me this minute, God; only let him do it in a little while. I'll call him. I will. Oh, please, dear God, dear kind God, my blessed Father in Heaven, let him call before then. Please, God. Please.

And the phone rang at exactly twelve. So happy, excited, my heart racing fast. I had a little victory dance, thank you God, thank you. I love you
Baby he said.