What you see / What you don't see

What you see: Beautiful picture of a beautiful woman, in the process of planting six new trees. Smile on her face, not a burden or care in the world. She took part in planting hundreds of trees during the 3 day Van Life / Tiny Home Living festival Descend On Bend near Bend, Oregon.

What you don't see: Me laying in bed, on the bus, only a couple feet away, so debilitated by my depression, that I was unable to get out of bed to be a part of it. She was dealing with her partner's emotional stress, yet was still able to love and care for herself and the earth.

This lady is my fiancee, my best friend in life, and one of the rare people in my life that provide me with unconditional love.

When living together in any space (more so in less than 200 sq ft) forging a new life together, the emotions of two people can get intertwined, and having had depression for the duration of both our lives, some days are harder than others to put on a smile. For me, some days it's hard to participate at all.

She told everyone I wasn't feeling well, which was true. I tried to put on pants and take part in the day, but from sun up to sun down I was in bed. I could not control my negative thoughts.

I was worried about finding a permanent place to park for the winter, worried about leaks and condensation in the bus, our ability to keep warm in it, what we will do for money, among other things.

Here I was at a festival with tons of amazing people, wonderful festivities, living in my own home, traveling, seemingly accomplishing my goals and dreams, but I was unable to leave the bus. I thought I wasn't good enough, never will be, and that anything I do will be a failure, so why bother. This kind of thinking unfortunately happens too often.

Why bother? I have the most #beautiful, loving, caring, #kind, generous, humorous, #creative and most wonderful lady in my life. I want to be the best person I can be for myself and for her. I love this lady so much.
Team SkoolieLove!

Thanks to my friends at Blue Bus Adventure for being so caring and wonderful. They really helped me through the weekend. It was a pleasure and honor to meet them and to spend time with. Thank you for being there for her and for the pic.

Thanks for reading!