Dark Thoughts At The Grocery Store

I like food. But I really don’t like shopping. Especially when I’m hungry. 

One time, I had to walk to the grocery store to get groceries (no shit) because my fridge was an actual Ghost Town and my parents were gone (they left me to die).

With the Red-Hot Sun beating down on me, I walked the ENTIRE four minutes to the high-end, organic food store near my house (Wal-Mart).

I almost passed out.

Once I got there, I took about 26 minutes to get a Shopping Cart. Seriously, what is up with those things? It’s like the most complicated medieval technology on the planet. 

Or maybe I’m just a retard.

Probably That.

I actually considered taking ALL the Shopping Carts with me because I was about to fucking implode. It was literally impossible to get one out and I was about to fight the Cart.

Until an elderly woman came up next to me (probably thinking that I was an utter genius) and softly took out the Cart next to me. 

I almost took it from her.

But, I finally managed to get one and I did my shopping. I battled my temptations to buy sugary stuff because I don’t hate myself and I have a solid, well-balanced diet.

It was also not my money and I didn’t feel like getting my ass beat via my Mom.

Again. 

When I shop– I get everything very quickly, because unlike some people I know what I want and need. I’m talking to you, GREG. Quit walking like a sloth and get out of my fucking way. You AND your strap-on sandals.

After I complete my Voyage, I find a check-out line with only one Valued Customer in it.

Then I find out why. 

He’s arguing with the Teller because he’s wondering why his final bill is so high. I watched in total awe as he continued to make his case (I don’t remember the exact bullshit that was spouting from his mouth) and I also thought why it was so expensive. I mean, he did have his entire Shopping Cart absolutely filled with stuff.

You know he had his Frosted Flakes, Milano Cookies, Cool Ranch Doritos, Tamp-Ons (probably his) and some other things.

But why did it cost so much?

HMM. WHAT A MYSTERY! 

When he pulled out a couple of expired coupons, I almost grabbed the Price Gun and stuffed it down his pants. He then apologized for taking so long.

“Hey, sorry man.” He said.

Yeah, I bet you’re real sorry you f**** f*******.

“It’s cool, no worries.” I said. 

I decided to stop being lazy and I left to the self-checkout line. I have two thoughts on this “self-checkout line conspiracy bullshit.

”Firstly, it’s clearly signaling the end of everything.

Secondly, why is it even a thing? They’re literally telling us “Hello stupid customer. Check out your own groceries, bag your own shit and fuck you for shopping at Wal-Mart.” And I’m not gonna stand for it.

Anymore. 

I still went to the self-checkout line that day because it’s mostly empty and I just wanna leave. Plus, most people are deathly afraid of automated machines so most people don’t even dare go towards that line.

I think that they think those machines are gonna turn into the Terminator and eat all their precious groceries.

Or maybe they think it’s gonna like blow up or something.

That’d be kind bad. 

Bad publicity anyway.

I paid for everything after tapping on the “Make Sure You’ve Scanned Everything You Piece-Of-Shit Thief” button and I went on my way.

I also made sure to stop by the Guy or Girl Worker who highlights your receipt at the exit so that their job doesn’t seem totally and absolutely…

Worthless. 

I’m such a good human.

I then walked my happy ass home.

Until the bags broke and I dropped everything.

I almost dived head-first into a moving car.

Almost.