Who loves

Let me tell you a story. Somewhere about me, somewhere else about you. Which we probably all know ...

Sometimes you happen to fall in love with a person. Maybe you were together and it was mutual or maybe it was all in your mind. But you can feel on your skin that "whoever loves and is loved will never be the same man as before" (O. Paler).

After all this experience, which usually ends not really beautiful, the first ideas you have are related to the fact that you never want to hear from anyone. You are tired of all quarrels before the end, of all the indifference and of all the loneliness you have experienced when the most important man in your life did not look back to see if you still live. So you do not want that anymore. You do not want to know about love, relationship, jealousy, that sadness you felt when he did not understand you, and all the pains you could use or misuse.

From here you have the choice of which road to take: you fall into solitude and refuse any kind of approach or pretend that you really wanted to be alone, have no obligations, and make the most of it . Of course you do not know which road is better, because none is.

No matter what you choose, sooner or later you will get to know other people. Keep your distance and remain reluctant. You have no nerves, and if you have any nerves, you can not find a person who is at least a little like the one that you gradually begin to understand is the only one suitable for you. But try. Not because you want it, but because you lack the things you have. Hand walks, nights in which you talk about anything, the peace you had with that person, visits to relatives, exits in the city. Nonsense finally (no?).

Trying to do so, you wake up to people who do not look like the one you can not get out of your mind (you know that it's not even possible or necessary to be like that!). There are people who have extra stuff and who, in a way, get to you and care about what you are, even if you are, in fact, an attempt. A gathering of what is good in you; a little hope that you will still experience the same emotions; a lie that says it must and can.

You are treated well (maybe better). All your motes are done to you; you have the attention you did not want, but you enjoy. You walk again by the hand (another's hand); stay the night at stories; it seems to you that you are quiet; you are not at all curious to visit his relatives, the more they know yours - maybe you can tell the names of your parents, but they are not obligatory; get out of town separately and you have not the least excitement about it. But because you want too much to think it is possible, you begin to think that you have feelings too. And you have them when you notice that all the stories and plans they make with you are the same as those you had before; and it's beautiful to wake up so sweet (then sweet) memories of spitting to one and croaking like lemon (and not by disgust, but miss) But you do not do it, because you you think this is exactly what you wanted and maybe it should be. And continue to try.

You have days when you forget that you try and everything seems normal. Do not pretend, you do not think of anything else. You live the moment and it's good. Park. Until (of course) something happens. You do not know what. Maybe there's a discussion about you and what you want in your life. Maybe it's a look you can see between two lovers (real). Maybe it's a song on the radio that you sang together. Maybe it's the stupid thing that does not even go through your mind. Whatever it is, you suddenly come back like two hands. Where the hell are you? Why do you come in the morning to squeeze the person you wake up when she smiles with you? Why do you want to sting your ears when you hear his voice? And how long have you been trying to smile for anyone? Who the hell are you in fact because where you want to be sure you are not! (?)

You were sincere from the beginning when you told your story story. That you do not think you can, that you still do not ... But probably nobody thought you, and if he thought you said you missed because they were based on their personal charm. Which for you practically equals zero. And not in the sense that you did not see the qualities, that you did not appreciate the gestures that you took part in, or that you did not feel that that person could really love you long enough from now on. But for you, nothing has the charm of the past. For you, things do not have the same intensity at all, because you do not work the same, you do not give everything you have because you do not really feel. You're only 40% out there, and that's the good days! So, everything you feel is of bad quality (like yourself) and begins to see your behavior as well. You're making all kinds of trouble for whoever asked you ... that you just knew that ... what was the point ...

And you're already starting to retire. You miss the loneliness that you could think of him (her) without putting someone on you (as an object that you know does not belong to). You lack the peace of mind where you can be sad without trying to console you; walking alone; freedom of thought and sincerity of feelings. You do not want to pretend that you do not love another person, you do not want to apologize for it because others may think you crazy or naive; you do not want to be interested in anything but you. Most seriously, you can not lie alone, because you did not lie to anyone else. And if it is upsetting to disappoint you, 10 times more painful is to disappoint yourself!

You wanted to replace one thing with another. Replace the missing person because you have already met him or the person you would like to meet. And you lied (shamelessly) that it is possible. You said, "This is life," and you've done everything to forget that you miss something: you bought what you wanted, you went everywhere, you went out with your friends non stop without asking you why you come late, you slept with who you wanted (or who he wanted, please) and you did everything you thought you wanted to do but you can not because you have someone. And there were times when you were fine.

But you've come back. What? To whom? That again you are alone with your thoughts and longing. You seem to have returned from where you left and you struggled to understand how good that way if you stayed on the spot? You're alone because you can not let anyone get too close. Sometimes this loneliness feels like a blessing because you find yourself. Do things you did not have time to do; do not feel guilty of things you have not done; can spend non stop; maybe you feel more free than ever. But when you really take a moment with yourself, when you come home and the light is extinguished, and (only) sometimes when you put yourself in bed and look at the other side you realize something is missing. And usually, "when you think you're missing something, that's a person" (I do not remember the author exactly).

I know for sure that I miss ... But far from me thinking to look more like something tragic or sad. I have learned to enjoy life exactly as it is, without trying to be what I am not. I can not wait for anything because everything happens the way I should, and when I can show you this, I'll write another story to you .