"Panicked and struck with shock, Sia is frozen in place and unable to move."
This feels like it needs improvement, but I do not have ideas. Maybe someone else can pitch in.
I don't like the two 'ands'. I would consider the use of dashes or semi-colons, e.g. frozen in place; unable to move. Maybe this is just my personal style/preference, especially coming from poetry. Would love to hear other's thoughts.
Also, the wrist pop is too cringey for me. I can barely look at the line again or think of it. WOW. Gross! I am just weak hahaha, but it is good as writing.
This is not interactive in itself, but I do have a suggestion.
" If you were here last week, you'd of heard the racket right the way through the building from the robots."
you would've heard*
the ending of the sentences doesn't sit with me either. Maybe "the way" seems extra and unnecessary. "right through the building" makes more sense, but there is still something off about the sentence.
Awesome feedback @poetrybyjeremy, this is exactly the kind of response I'm looking for on these posts. It helps out an awful lot.
I think you're right about the use of dashes and semi-colons. It's something I don't use them much and it would help my writing out a lot of I understood where to use them.
I'll get an edit done shortly and make the changes! Just getting myself some food.
Thanks very much bud! This is great.
Do take your time, and I am glad to help. I tend to use the dashes and semi-colons too frequently, but I do find them useful to create a different rhythm. Variation is key in writing. The pauses they bring can even create more drama at times.