Ever have a terrible blind date?

One that makes you cringe every single time you think about it? Where you end up playing “52-Pickup” with how absurdly retarded it went?

On a lovely spring afternoon, peroozing on OkCupid, this lad decided to hit up a nice look’n girl. She was fit, well-endowed underneath the chest holster, and very kind. She seemed rather shy to say the least. This lovely woman is a Registered Nurse, about “yeigh tall”. Mind you, this is my first date in about 5 years because of an incredibly enduring relationship with a Celtic girl of the Fury bloodline in Ireland—There are a couple modes here: 1.) Either sleeping and rage, and 2.) Amazing make-up sex or depression. The rest is just “hangry”. I was required to pay tithes of food to the Celtic Kraken for 5 years. The Siren’s call made it impossible for me to leave—like Hotel California. Their family joked about how all the girls have the “Golden Vagina”.

Anyway getting back on topic, here is an image of this girl on google that looks like the girl I went on a date with that evening:

Somehow, a random google image kind of pinpoints what she looks like, interesting… anyway. We setup a date to go to one of my favorite Irish Pubs in Portland, Maine, Bull Feeney’s, land of the giant Beef Pot Pie and Guinness Stew. I arrive at the pub and the Bartender’s like, “What’ll you have?” I happily say, I am meeting someone here in a bit. I kind of know this guy too since he has served me MANY beers in the past.

Fuckn’ 45 minutes rolls by, trying to be a good’ol French Gentleman, (ehh you can judge that one). I get a text, “I will be there soon I stopped to say hi to someone”. Aight, that’s fine, I am like that too, whatever right?

So she rolls in with her bicycle-bike-lock’n-all, we order a beer. I grabbed an IPA because I am planning on Beef Pot Pie, could ya guess already? When she rolls in, she sees me, we make eye contact, and she swings around and starts chatting up the bartender, who apparently is a VERY GOOD friend of hers. I say to myself, “This will be interesting…” I am a fool for curiosity, so I have to see where this goes, otherwise I would have just grabbed food and left an hour before.

We start talking, sharing food.. she got Some bowl of amazing Corned-Beef, so It was required to share forks, I ain’t letting that be eaten alone under my watch! All is fine for now, we are feeding each other and having a great time.

She starts talking about her life a bit and says she has a sister and a mother, ya’know the demographics. (Probably should have covered this already on the OkCupid website… oops). Anyway, she talks about how she is in school to be a Registered Nurse, wasn’t actually graduated yet and says that she is looking for an internship somewhere. Being a extremely experienced Social Worker in the state of Maine, I list a couple places. She mentions she is working part-time at one of the local hospitals already; Cool!

She didn’t answer when I asked her as what position, she turned the tables and asked me to talk about myself a bit… so I did. We’re hitting it off, holding hands n shit for a few. Then I start talking about myself and what I do as a therapist, which takes some explaining because I would never be caught dead working at an outpatient office, I required too much action. I am a Multsystemic Therapy Supervisor, teaching therapists-how-to-teach-parents how to eradicate antisocial behavior in their teenagers and prevent problem sexual behavior from occurring in the community.

As I was talking about myself, I had to explain the difference between traditional family therapy for children and family compared to working with the local police and courts, getting the in with the District Attorneys.

She literally interrupted me every sentence about needing to do homework and that she almost brought her nursing books over to the pub to study. I started to become short and pretty annoyed. I mean I totally get it, student needing to study, part of master-level studying groups—I was there too once. She was texting on her phone all while talking, seeming not-at-all interested. I became infuriated inside because It was so fucking rude. She then says, “I want a boyfriend to get my mind off the books and hang out with. I don’t want to date, I just want to be in a relationship”. I’m thinking to myself, “sweet, I hate dating too, so this works!”

Every word that came out of my mouth thereinafter was blunt-as-fuck somehow—maybe I was still at work? I start parading on how a type of service and type of worker is completely inept because of the lack of evidenced-based practices that underlay the service. I know this for a fact because I served as part of this position and also supervised these people for 6 years before moving on as a Clinical Director elsewhere. Imagine trying to get this information out in a paragraph, but it taking about a half hour to actually say. I learned nothing about her, except random sentences of studying and how her Mother is a psychologist… with the exception of this:

I eventually learn that she is working in the same exact position I was dogging on the entire time… and she really loved what she did. Little did I realize that each word I spoke was a bit more soul-crushing? I had no fucking idea! (Oh man). Here we are, no longer holding hands, and we are in a figgin debate over nothing!! I’m still trying to get words through and I tried asking about her family. She continued rebutting on and asked questions on where to move on to next for work. I then realized that I have about 15 years more experience in the field and have seen and done just about everything. I even said, “oh… uh I’m sorry…. I didn’t realize”.

I had the audacity to say that I think she is cool and would like to go out again. I pick up the tab because she perfectly timed going to the bathroom with paying… absolutely brilliant on her part, I applaud you.

I walk her out with her bicycle, and she rides her bike with me walking quickly to my car up the street. It was a slick power-move on her part. We get to my car, she seems very interested at this point and gives me a hug and says, “Bye”. This hug was like as wide as the crescent moon.. one side of contact, the other on her handle bar. Imagine hugging Barney…. That wide of a hug.

I am driving home, evaluating the date and I get this complete awe of “WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?” I send her a message saying it was nice to meet her, etc, etc all that typical beta-type bullshit and she responds with, “You know, I didn’t just feel it”. Here I am getting absurd mixed signals and I am confused beyond all belief because she was super interested than not, super interested than not. Needless to say, I am livid because I realized I just got conned, like Oceans Eleven style.

Months after, I finally realize... as I am writing this lovely memoir of a pretty Solid Date, that I am pretty sure I crushed all her dreams like an asshole, pompous, piece of shit, totally not on purpose, completely accidental...and I think to myself… Her mother is a Psychologist, she probably got just as much shit from her growing up and now payback is a bitch…

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