The Grub and I drew swords and within moments, our brows are bathed in sweat. Metallic clangs and chings echo across the balcony. Both our lives depend on the fate of this duel.

Not really. I’m always going to win. These grubs may be the bane of my gardening life, but ultimately, they’ll be the ones finding new homes away from my beloved plants.

Ever since I’ve been growing plants in pots, I’m faced with the same annoyance that seems to develop over time. Infernal curl grubs (the juvenile stage of the African Black Beetle). They feed on the roots of healthy plants, attacking them with their pincer-like mandibles effectively cutting off the supply of water and nutriment from the soil. You little cretins.

Dear Curl Grubs,

Look, I get it. You’re an organism who’s evolved over time alongside humans and every other being on this planet. I’ve managed just fine. So have you, it appears. But when our paths met uncounted moons ago, you felt as though you could carry on your merry way, munching on the roots of my plants. Hey, I totally get it. I love carrots, potatoes and so many other root vegetables. They are delicious. However, I’ve learned a few things over the years. I’ll shed some light on those lessons.

1. We live in an abundant biosphere. Abundant, but finite. The oceans and atmosphere all have limits. As a result, I’ve tried to adjust my behaviour to account for those limitations. I’m basically trying to live as though what we have wont be around forever.

2. I’m not a selfish nit and act accordingly.

3. It’s good to steer others towards the same understanding because it will benefit us all.

Ok, so now that we have that out in the open, you should understand that I’m really coming from a good place. I often ask myself questions such as;

“Do I want you dead because you’re a nuisance?”

I have to be honest and say that I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to entertaining those thoughts. But I’m trying my level best, here. You seem like an ok guy. You’re as repulsive as hell and you’re probably last on my list of favourite animals, but you’re entitled to earn a crust, right? Yeah, you are. Who am I to judge you based on your appearance? I’m a human and we’re lumbering, hairy and stinky. (We even have to use special weird chemicals made in factories to hide our stench from each other. That’s the extent of our grossness.)

Now, if it were only the way you look, I could move on. It isn’t. The act of feeding yourself and your family is pretty badly affecting my life and those around me. When we have people over, they remark,

“What happened to your plants? Are you feeding them bleach?”

Do you think it’s fun being mocked by visitors to our home about the few cherished plants I have in my tiny garden? All I have is my balcony and you’re getting in the way.

In many countries around the world, their citizens are discouraged from having excessive numbers of children. In Australia, that’s not the case, but lots of people have considered how having a gazillion children can affect their lifestyle (and of course, the lives of their children). I know where you’re about to go and I’ll stop you right there and address the elephant in the room. The Australian government incentivises having more children through a scheme called the ‘Newborn Upfront Payment’ and ‘Newborn Supplement’. It’s an encouragement, in a way to have more children despite possibly not having the resources to care for them adequately yourself. In spite of this, we’re all individuals, and should be exercising our role to act in the most sustainable way possible, despite idiotic welfare incentives that urge people to act otherwise.

Exhibit A: One of my mutilated chilli plants. Your indignant attitude is causing suffering and pain. It's time for some change.

Be a thoughtful creature. Don’t be a cretin anymore. I have no qualms with you other than the fact you’re acting totally unsustainably. You and your wife live in a pot. In fact, your community seems to have migrated to a number of my pots in which I have prized chili plants growing. Both of you require resources and so does your family. Really, the fact you provide nothing back to the plant is pretty rude. You’re using it for your own purposes and giving back zip. By definition, you’re a parasite. I wouldn’t mind you staying, but you don’t know when enough’s enough. My pots are too small to sustain all of you. A few may be ok to live peacefully with a large, healthy chili. But if she’s dying, can’t you see that your own food source will be dead before you know it? You couldn’t care less because it’s only your baby food. Yes, once you’ve had your fill, you’ll pupate and metamorphose into an African Black Beetle where you’ll just inflict more damage to growing shoots of other young plants.

I expect prompt vacation from the premises within twenty-four hours or else you’ll be forcibly removed.

Yours Sincerely (not really),

Nick

All content is original.

Acknowledgements

Sustainable Gardening Australia
http://www.sgaonline.org.au/white-curl-grub/

CESAR Australia

http://www.cesaraustralia.com/sustainable-agriculture/pestnotes/insect/African-black-beetle