Breaking the Silence

"Trust me, you want this. And it's happening either way."
-- The man who stole my virginity.

I was just reading through a long list of quotes like this from 27 different survivors of sexual assault, and it inspired me to finally open up about my own experience. Many people don't know that I was raped during my senior year in college. I've held back from saying this so clearly, because it's difficult to say. It's painful to talk about. It's a wound that's still open. I still re-live this experience often, and when I do, I feel just as small and powerless and worthless as I did that night four years ago. I haven't figured out how to talk about it without crying, so I don't talk about it.

But today, I'd like to break my cycle of silence.

I am a survivor of something so traumatic that my body refuses to let it go. I struggle to feel like my voice matters, because on one very monumental night in my life, my voice didn't matter. I struggle to maintain hope and faith, because I feel like God really let me down that night. I struggle to be vulnerable with ..anyone, because the most vulnerable space within myself has been robbed once and I don't ever want to go through something like that again. I've been touched by a darkness that tries to overwhelm me.

But I'm still here. I'm still waking up every morning and choosing to love my daughter, my husband, my family enough to stay on Earth and work through this. I'm still plodding along the path of healing, trusting a loving God that I don't understand yet to help me do it. And now I'm sharing my story, because I have to believe that my voice matters. Because I believe that your voice matters, and there is no logical reason for any human to be worth more or less than another.

• Selah •

You, you bright soul, you inspire me. I see the pain you carry too, and it breaks my heart. I also see your value and potential, and I want you to drop your chains. It's this love that I have for you, my dear reader, that inspires me to love myself. As we swing from the heights to the depths and back again, as we heal and grow and blossom into who we really are, we will learn what love is. What real Love is.